Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

The good times are part of the abuse. They keep you questioning whether you’re imagining it or whether you should stay.

I highly suggest this book:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_nSHMFbK2HKG7E

I also want to throw out Why Does He Do That, it was instrumental when I left my abusive relationship. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Good!

Also, this book might not have anything to do with your situation, but I recommend it, nonetheless, to every women.

:)

"Why Does He Do That?"

I’m so sorry to be nosy, but I looked back at your past posts. I felt compelled to respond to say- and I mean this very intently- your relationship did not end because of sexual difficulties. It ended because this guy was a domestic abuser.

Also of concern is that you had blood afterward. Given the history I saw, the concern is if he was forceful or rough while you were still healing. And if we look at medical reasons- there should not be blood with vaginal intercourse after j-pouch. This may indicate a fistula or other issue. The third concern is psychological— that your body may react in fear to this guy- which would make sense, but can lead to painful intercourse and dryness can lead to friction bleeding- and that issue has nothing to do with a j-pouch.

But most of all, the major reason you guys split is because he is a narcissistic sociopath who seems to have played the system to his advantage.

You may get a lot out of this book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656

You can get your life back. I’m assuming your body is still healing. You can overcome the PTSD- you really can. The trauma will heal in layers and it will take time. But you need to be aware these are separate traumas so you can heal them more effectively- you have the domestic violence trauma, then you have the illness trauma. Then you add housing and financial insecurity. Three issues that got tangled up together. All issues that will improve the further you get from this guy.

But you aren’t too old and you haven’t lost out too much to get back to yourself. It’s not going to be easy. And with the right person who is not a sicko who uses you for money, you will have wonderful sex again. You really have your work cut out for you, so please look into support groups. Research support through the crohn’s and colitis association, (or whatever illness led to the j-pouch), and call the national domestic violence helpline and find a support group of women who will really help. If you have a small town, consider a phone group.

Our gut is tied to stress and anxiety. Your biggest job is to try to find peace so your body can heal. And trauma is both psychological and physiological. If you have any insurance, consider a therapist who specializes in trauma, medical trauma, or domestic violence.

Best of luck to you and it really can get better.

This book helped me realize what my abuser was doing.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=mp_s_a_1_7?keywords=domestic+abuse+book&qid=1582786497&sr=8-7

Here you go

NTA, you need to get out of this relationship. I recommend calling a local domestic violence hotline (i the US, you can call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) ). I also recommend the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Good luck, and stay safe.

(And your mom is also very much TA for not being on your side.)

As a male DV victim, we often discuss this case in group. Sooo much of the literature around abuse is centered on male perpetrator/female victim. Take for example one of the most prolific books on abusive partners.

I know as I've gone on my journey of recovery. I've often been met with incredulous stares when I talk about what my STBXW did and the actions she took against me.

However, the most interesting thing though out of all of this is how when I would commiserate with other men in/out of relationships and they would recognize or have had a lot of experiences with abusive behaviors from their partner but never label them as abuse.

"Oh, she was just crazy." or something to that effect but to me it always came across that if they acknowledged that they were abused by the "more demure" partner, they themselves would lose some kind of standing or power over themselves. To me this was the ultimate expression of toxic masculinity and how it hurts men. These guys, clearly in pain over the memories of what happened, keep running from the problem (in their heads) and never stop to effectively manage the mental damage inflicted. Basically, if I cover it with enough dirt (daily shit/new experiences/drinks/etc.) I will just forget about it. But when I would be vulnerable and talk about my experiences, they would be catapulted through the dirt and have tears in their eyes as they recounted being stabbed as well or hit in the face or belittled to the point of needing alcohol to cope.

I'm just here to recommend a book called Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's about abusive behaviours and you might find yourself recognising a lot of things that apply to your boyfriend. I believe with some googling you can find free PDF versions of the book as well.

Read the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It’ll open your eyes and change your life for the better.

My ex-husband always threatened divorce when he was pissed off and I eventually took him up on it. I moved out, read that book, filed for divorce, and have never looked back.

Your bf is extremely immature and while it is possible he will grow up to be a better man, he is currently an abusive and potentially dangerous person. It's not your job to help him grow up. It absolutely your job to protect your child from his emotional abuse.

I highly recommend you pick up a copy of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It will help a lot in the difficult decisions you have ahead of you.

Above all, take care of yourself and your baby.

He sounds like an entitled narcissist. A Classic abuser who truly doesn't think he's wrong but thinks you're wrong for being upset.

My own father would make sexual comments about me for YEARS and I was groomed to think it was normal.

Upon calling him out? "You make me uncomfortable."

"YEA?!! WELL YOU MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE!"

Also breaking my things....

These men know right from wrong, 100%, but the "win" of getting away with it, outweighs the shame. They count on and hope you won't say anything or do anything.

I'm so so sorry. This is absolutely sick. Are you ok?? How are you holding up? I cannot believe the entitlement some men have around women's bodies. They truly think their partner's bodies belong to them, and they are fine with their own anger, but not yours.

This book really helped me understand their mindset a lot. It's not your fault!!

Why Does He Do That https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_eOQIEbB0SF31P

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Why does he do that, by Lundy Bancroft. I don't usually buy from amazon, I prefer abebooks with .com or .co.uk

But this is an author that has done actual research on men like that.

This book is hard hitting though. No pun intended, it just really goes directly to the core in a way that can be tough to read.

These men aren't mysterious and difficult to understand, even though SO much of society is geared towards using language that is abuser approved and fuzzy at best, victim-centric instead of perpetrator focused at worst.

It's just too uncomfortable for a lot of people to accept and hold the reality of such evil existing for no reason.

A common theme to get a foot through the door in the very beginning, is that they claim to have been abused during their childhood or have had previous partners cheat on them.

It could be true or it can be a lie, that's not important.

What is important is that they use sob stories to gain your sympathy, and for you to stay despite them testing the waters with unkind behaviours very early on.

And then the way they do things fro. There is remarkably similar, around the world. The details will be adapted to what particular things to say or reference that gets a reaction out of you.

But the methods they use to suss out those ideas and triggers. They're so, so similar.

You need to read "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_t1_xFIQFb5960J0Z

This sounds like you are in the throws of a relationship that is very abusive. Your feeling of inadequacy is enough to tell me that. It doesn't matter what you did and how you did it, if you are chronically feeling inadequate, please know that is intentional and by design. This is not about your short comings, its about putting you in a position of servitude by convincing you your inadequacy are so huge you should be grateful for the opertunity to show your partner how much more 'perfect' you can be.

Read this book and maybe you will understand:

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

I just left this kind of situation a little over three weeks ago. I was so scared to go through with it. It was even harder because in the end, he was able to maintain the nice guy facade. I’m still messed up due to the abuse obviously. It’s not going to go away in 3 weeks. But I am starting to feel stronger and more like myself.

It’s so weird to hear about others who go through this and that so many things are similar. The insane jealousy, need to control, critical and belittling behavior. Now of course, he’s the heartbroken victim. I’m trying REALLY hard not to fall for it.

There’s a book called “why does he do that?” I found it really helpful. The author has worked with many abusive men and he explains the minds and backgrounds of abusive men. Unfortunately, most won’t change. They can only change when they recognize that what they do is abuse. Fat chance.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_LWWvFbHYDX3NG

Please read the book Why Does He Do That?

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_tLq2EbKQGY3XA

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_i_hmW3FbSFS1BD4

EXACTLY Now is the time for you to get and read this book. YOU didn’t make him do anything. He was an asshole all on his own. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

This may be one of the only times he's done something like this that you can recall but please consider giving this book a read. Please don't let the title scare you off.

I'm really sorry you went through this and am glad you are out now.

The healing bit is a process. And it's a janky, nonlinear, two steps forward one step back process. Stick with the therapy. If your therapist isn't good match, go shopping for a different one, preferably one with trauma-informed training and who can give you the unconditional positive regard you're going to need in the next months. If your therapist is a good match, yay!

Your concern for your ex's next partner is totally normal. Both fearing for that person's safety and fearing that their relationship will prove it was your fault she was violent. But here's the thing you need to know. Like put a sticky note on every surface in your house, need to know.

Nothing you could have done would justify the way she treated you. Nothing. You could have been the worst girlfriend in the world and she would've been wrong to treat you like that. And you weren't the worst. You were a human being trying to negotiate an intensely emotional, frightening, confusing relationship that was designed to keep you off-balance and upset because that made her feel in control. Did you make mistakes. Of course. You are human. And you deserve to be treated kindly, flaws and all.

The worry about the next woman is also totally normal. But it's also not your responsibility. Your relationship trained you to feel responsible for another person's feelings and actions, but you cannot control what any other person feels or does. It is literally impossible. If your ex abuses another woman, that is your ex's responsibility. And that woman will be responsible for deciding if she's willing to accept that treatment or not. Just as you had to make your own decision. Your job right now is to save yourself. Get healthy. Move on to a better life, the life you deserve.

I'm going to recommend a book to you, but I need to preface the recommendation. This book is written from the perspective of hetero relationships. But everything in it applies to same-sex couples as well. It's worth reading. Here's the link: Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds Of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

If you can't afford a copy, your library should be able to get one or dm me and I'll send you one. It's that helpful.

Please be patient with yourself. Recovering from an abusive relationship is hard work. But you can do it and you deserve to do it. Sending random internet stranger hugs if you want them.

Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft.

Read it.

I'll be blunt. He is a manipulative d-bag. I was there. I know the signs.

I also know the struggle. He has likely isolated you from family and friends over time to limit your support structure. Your self esteem is so low that you believe him when he says no one else would ever put up with "x" behavior. OR if you leave, it is proof you have been using him the entire time while looking for something better.

I hope to God I am wrong, but just in case I hit a few chords, here is a link to the book on Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_me-3FbZ00CBC7

They’re not, but my eyes were opened by reading the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, a man whose job was working as a court-appointed counselor for abusive men. It’s been years since I read it, but he paints a clear picture of a system that doesn’t rehabilitate or punish abusers and that doesn’t protect their victims.

Please read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

It is an excellent book explaining about different kinds of emotional abuse by men, and what your boyfriend does is listed in there many times.

The book, "Why Does He Do That?" Amazon.com: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (8601300264479): Bancroft, Lundy: Books https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Please read this. On Kindle. Preferably tonight. I left an abusive SOB the first time he hit me. IT CAN be done. PLEASE SHRED THOSE PAPERS!!!

I'm so glad we've helped! Leaving the engagement alone keeps you safe plus he'll have already told her about his mad and/or vengeful exes so you may not be believed.

Have either of you read why does he do that it could really help you. It's the best book on DA ever written

My ex was the same way. He was so smart and so good at debating, I felt like I could never win. Until I did, by leaving him.

You're doing the right thing sharing this with people. That was how I started realizing that his version of what was true and what was right wasn't accurate. When my friends got mad reading his text messages. When his sister started telling me in no uncertain terms, this is emotional abuse. She had the same traumatic childhood he did, but she choose not to repeat abusive behaviors. So why was I continually making excuses for him??

Yes it is fair for him to have expectations of what he finds attractive. BUT he is choosing to deliver it to you in a purposely hurtful way. He is choosing to treat the person he loves in this way. I really doubt you treat him the same way.

If you haven't already, please read lundy bancroft's books https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

I haven't read it but have heard a lot of people recommend that book, usually by the name Why Does He Do That?

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Hon it doesn't matter how much or how little he's saying that's making you fear for your safety, you have to take it seriously. And if that's the case, please please please don't bring it up to him until you are out of there and somewhere safe, unfortunately knowing you've seen the light and are no longer under his thumb could make him really snap!

I also suggest reading this book as it helped me to come to terms with some of my own issues while leaving an abusive relationship.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this, no one deserves what's happened to you and I hope that you'll never have to put up with this another day in your life. But please, remove yourself from this situation, because it's only going to get worse if you don't.

Sorry for the weird link issue I'm on mobile lol.

Your husband is abusing you. Tell your doctor, your mom, sister, friend. Anybody. You just gave birth to his child. You need time to recover. His behavior and actions show complete utter contempt for your feelings. He does not respect you

Read this

Your monologue sounds like the internal thought processes described in Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.

Maybe you're the problem. Maybe it's not too late for you to get help and change how you treat your partner.

Honestly, there's so many, i don't even know where to begin. Here are a few others haven't mentioned yet:

• being "too nice" (or too pushy). If from the start they treat you like a goddess, shower you with gifts etc, that's a flag

• similarly, having too much in common: people always disagree on some things. They might lie about having things in common with you to try and build a (fake) connection (which you can tell if they wait for you to talk about your opinion first and then agree, instead of them talking about their own opinions first)

• Making everything about them: This one can be bit hard to distinguish between someone just being socially awkward (hello, i also tend to do that because i know how to talk about myself at least) and malicious intent, but it's a possible flag

• One-upping others (also you) constantly

• Signs of jealousy / emotional retreating when you talk about your other friends / spending time with important people in your life

I can also highly recommend the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, it's by far the best resource to understanding abusers that i know.

Not only what u/stargazercmc has said, but what your daughter sees YOU accepting in a relationship SHE will see that as the normal relationship dynamic. How will you feel when your daughter gets involved with a someone who is just like her abusive father? Your choices not only affect her life NOW, but her ENTIRE life. She learns what’s acceptable from YOU.

You want to know why he won’t cooperate with you and is abusive? Read Why Does He Do That?

I really hope that you get things figured out. You and your daughter deserve so much better.

in before everyone asks why this guy keeps posting this stuff

​

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Yes, this is abuse, You should definitely check out the book Why Does He Do That

It explains how abusers use mental illness as an excuse to be abusive and how abuse is really all about control.

Another really good book to read is The Hidden Abuser: Learn to Recognize Subtle Abusive Behavior

It explains what abuse is and what it looks like, so you can identify it. It also talks about how abusers main goal is to control others - to force then to do what they want.

NTA but your husband is abusive and manipulative. Read "Why Does He Do That?" May open your eyes. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

You are not losing your mind. What you are describing sounds like classic gaslighting. You feel crazy by design. The abuser is making you doubt yourself so that they gain total control over you. It is similar to how cults program people. You are being conditioned to be totally submissive and under complete control.

Your case sounds so textbook. Even your language is textbook. It’s SO textbook I almost thought you were trolling.

I recommend you get a Kindle or read books on Narc abuse on your phone. I am afraid if your abuser sees you reading these that they will hurt you more than they already have.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_27qGEbFCRGWW7

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B085KS348P/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_qbrGEbV7XFK0Y

One step at a time. I am almost exactly your age. You are capable of so much. You are worthy of so much more than this. You are worthy. You are enough. You are loved. You matter.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=why+does+he+do+that+lundy+bancroft&qid=1580435870&sprefix=why+dies+he+do+th&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/Daily-Wisdom-Does-That-Encouragement/dp/0425265102

NTA: You need to get your son into therapy with someone who specializes in abusive relationships.

What your son has described is the Cycle of Abuse. Believe him when he says that when it is good, it is really good - there is a reason they call it the Honeymoon stage.

I am also going to recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 It is about men abusing women, but don't let that fool you, it is fantastic information on men or women who are abusive to anyone. It is just that the author has spent his career dealing with abusive men, so that is what he writes about.

I could have written this post myself except my ex and I weren’t married and were still working on custody and all. I have baby and he left. Read this article if you have a moment. It put things into perspective for me I hope it does for you too. why fathers leave

Also if you want more peace with your past relationship and some understanding for future ones read the book “why does he do that” link

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You’re not alone. PM anytime if u need to vent or chat.

Honestly, I see a lot of red flags here. Specifically, taking your anger out on someone and making them cry and feel they need to walk on eggshells isn't an act of love, it's cruel. I really encourage you to read Why Does He Do That Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft (available here for free). It will give you a lot of insight into how to identify manipulative behavior. I don't see anything in this post that makes me lose respect for you, it sounds like he is the one with the issues.

A woman hitting a man in the jaw is not the same level of force as a man hitting women in the jaw. The biology matters in this instance and the level of physical harm is incomparable and dangerous.

​

Edit: Please read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Are you asserting that a rapist can't write laws about protecting women from rape?

Nothing to do with Biden, that's dangerously naive. Abusers often choose public personas to cover for their true self. If you aren't familiar I recommend "Why Does He Do That". It is very common for people who know victims and abusers to have the opposite impression.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

For me one of the biggest things that helped me relinquish a lot of the shame and guilt I felt after my abusive ex and I broke up was gaining a better understanding of the mindset of abusers and why they do what they do. The book below was a HUGE help in me letting go of the anger and resentment I had, and forgiving myself for putting up with the abuse for the amount of time I did.

Why Does He Do That?
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

> Even when he spoke of them he always spoke about how much control he had over them.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

>if I wore shorts to a club he'd ask me to go change or we wouldn't go.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

>he told me that it was not a good enough reason for not calling him.

He doesn't want you to eat?

Yeah, okay, we're all toxic and flawed, but I guarantee you can get a less toxic and flawed boyfriend than this. He's not "a tad bit toxic." He's the whole waste dump.

You "love him too much" because he's done a very good job of convincing you that you do, and you're a frog in a pot boiling slowly. You know how people always ask of abused women, "why do they stay with men like that?" You're currently on a road to becoming one of those.

Please, please read Why does he do that? and/or Should I stay or should I go by Lundy Bancroft. I'm serious. I know you probably think it's self help nonsense but either or both of these books will seriously help you to make choices for the future that will make you confident that they're the right ones. Even if you end up staying after you read them, your relationship will be better than if you'd just stayed without reading them.

And if your boyfriend is worth even a moment's consideration to stay with, he will be willing to read about Nonviolent Communcation.

I felt like this too after I left my abuser. I felt like I had the word victim written on my forehead, like everyone could tell that I would be good to abuse. Part of it was feeling like I couldn’t trust my own instincts. I kept asking myself, how did I miss the signs? I didn’t trust that I could see abusers for what they are until it was too late and that made me feel like I couldn’t trust anyone.

One thing that helped me was learning to identify abusers through the tactics they use. The best book for that is The Hidden Abuser . Also I learned how abusers think and why they abuse. The best book for that is Why Does He Do That . Then I learned that abusers latch onto people with poor boundaries. So I read the book Boundaries and practiced setting good ones.

Now I feel like I can spot abusers from a mile away, I can trust my instincts and this has made me feel empowered. And I feel like I can trust certain people because I can see them clearly.

Hope that helps some.

Spend less time online and more time doing stuff you like IRL and socialising. I know I know, not exactly practicing what I preach right now. It's what we all need to hear.

Recognise and label unhealthy thoughts. Learn how to disarm these unhealthy thoughts. This is basic CBT. This book goes into detail: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326

Remember that all thoughts are emotions are temporary. You can think of them as like clouds floating past you. You can observe them and name them by saying to yourself "I am having the thought that ______" or "I am feeling ______". Just by saying this you depersonalise what's happening to a certain extent. I find this, combined with recognising the temporary nature of thoughts and moods, can work for me. If the thoughts are really persitent, journaling helps a lot too.

Practice self-compassion every single day. Embrace your imperfections. Healing isn't about changing who you are. It's about accepting yourself, even the parts you don't like. Know where it comes from. Know and understand the parts that come from trauma. Think back to yourself as a child, and love her. She deserves love as much as you do.

Accept the parts of your life that you can't change. I know it's hard. I know it hurts. I'm still working on this one. It's a daily process. I like to think of this quote by Pema Chodron:

>The way to dissolve our resistance to life is to meet it face to face. When we feel resentment because the room is too hot, we could meet the heat and feel its fieriness and its heaviness. When we feel resentment because the room is too cold, we could meet the cold and feel its iciness and its bite. When we want to complain about the rain, we could feel its wetness instead. When we worry because the wind is shaking our windows, we could meet the wind and hear its sound. Cutting our expectations for a cure is a gift we can give ourselves. There is no cure for hot and cold. They will go on forever. After we have died, the ebb and flow will still continue. Like the tides of the sea, like day and night — this is the nature of things. Being able to appreciate, being able to look closely, being able to open our minds — this is the core.

Try not to buy into the definition of "success" perpetuated by the media and society. We live in a culture of "never enough". It's hyper-individualistic, consumerist, and ultimately half the messages we receive about how to be successful aren't even conducive with lasting fulfillment. Know what makes you happy and what you value, and stick to that. Fuck the rest.

If you have problems with stress and anxiety, breathing exercises can really help, especially when combined with mindfulness and the other things I mentioned. I find a quiet area, I sit down, and then a breathe in a really big, full-bellied breath. I then hold it for 6 seconds, and then I breath out as slowly as a possible. This actives the parasympathetic nervous system, which reduces the feeling of stress and unease.

If you have been in an abusive relationship, read Why Does He Do That?. Know that you are not alone, and it was not your fault. There are probably other books related to trauma that I haven't read. Seek them out too. Anything you need to do to understand yourself, and your life.

I’m glad to hear she’s planning to get you in therapy. She should also go for herself if she can. She may not realize she’s being abused or might be conditioned to believe it’s not a big deal compared to, say, a man that physically beats his family. It IS a big deal. You guys matter and should feel safe and at peace in your own home. Emotional and verbal abuse can be just as psychologically damaging as overt physical abuse. But it leaves us feeling confused and filled with self doubt, so we’re unsure of what is actually going on.

You’re taking the opportunity to reach out and that is a huge step! You are being very brave to confront something that makes you feel so bad. Education is a great start. Arm yourself with knowledge and you will gain empowerment!

Please continue (if you haven’t already) looking up resources for help for yourself and your family. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) website has phone numbers and links to many various forms of support.

http://ncadv.org

https://www.acf.hhs.gov/fysb/programs/family-violence-prevention-services/programs/ndvh

National Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE

It’s anonymous. When you get an opportunity, please call!! They can help lead the way to getting you and your family out of the cycle of abuse!

All the information I’ve ever come across shows that it is highly unlikely your dad will ever change his abusive behaviors. If she ever feels she wants to leave him but can’t because (reasons), she’s not alone. There are resources out there for her, including legal support. It’s not too late!

She should read the book https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Also, since you’re 16 I thought I’d include some teen focused support groups for dating and abuse (just in case). I don’t know anything and I’m not making presumptions, just putting it out there in case you’re dating now or in the future and ever feel similar feelings with a partner.

https://www.loveisrespect.org/

https://breakthecycle.org/

Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula & divorce attorney Rebecca Zung both have YouTube channels offering critical information for domestic violence situations such as this. This sounds like narcissistic abuse.

You are definitely being abused. He is abusing you and you don’t deserve that. You are not wrong, you are definitely seeing things and feeling things correctly. Your responses are 100% normal. His are not.

If you are unable to leave, they also provide tips on how to manage staying sane while maintaining a relationship and how to deflect their antagonistic behavior.

If you decide to leave, whatever you do, don’t call him out directly and DO NOT tell him if/when you are leaving him. This will subject you to further abuse and could potentially put you and your child’s lives in danger. Do not underestimate his willingness to use your child as a weapon to hurt/control you. He does not feel empathy.

Document. Document. Document.

Keep a journal (hidden where he will never find it) not only for a lawyer if it comes to that, but also for yourself. It’s easy to think “maybe that didn’t happen” “maybe it was my fault” when looking back at a situation. This is a side effect of him gaslighting you. The journal will help remind you so you can see clearly when it starts getting foggy.

I cannot stress this enough. You are not crazy.

I am so sorry you are in this situation, but your husband sounds exactly like every other textbook narcissist. Entitled, misogynistic, crushes your self esteem, gaslights you, shames you, using the child against you, punishing you with silent treatment, verbally abuses you to maintain control, isolating you (your family is in another country).

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

Narcissistic relationship vs. Healthy relationship

Gray Rock Technique

One Mom’s Battle and how she navigated divorce with her abuser

Then check out Dr. Ramani’s channel. She changed my life and helped me gain the courage to leave my abusers.

Feel free to pm me if you would like more information or resources or even just someone to reaffirm that you are not crazy. Again. I am so sorry.

Another resource