She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

It’s unclear why you would feel “bad” about asking him to return the favor, as if asking is somehow “wrong.” And, of course, if the communication is as good as you say, there’s no reason not to speak up. Still, if you’re reluctant to do so, you can always let a book do the talking: https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260

The size of his penis can't be changed, but it doesn't make him any less of a man and doesn't mean he's any less capable of sexually satisfying a woman (and I say this as somebody with a small penis - yes, I know it's small, I've measured it and compared it to public data about penis sizes, and I've asked all of my previous partners). All he really needs is 1) confidence in himself and 2) to learn how to use his mouth/hands/fingers and sex toys. I've given far more orgasms to women through external stimulation than I ever have through PIV. He can have amazing sex with women (from the point of view of both parties), he just doesn't know it yet.

https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260

This book will change your life. I have my fiance reading it and it's great guide on how to please a woman.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

by Ian Kerner

https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=54532978005&gclid=CjwKCAiA0svwBRBhEiwAHqKjFof7TpCh4kPQiTToPij413mkUFutfmPkWOQRdMVdo7ZWkrq9moA03xoCcQEQAvD_BwE&hvadid=274724396525&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9061189&hvnetw=g&hvpos=1t1&hvqmt=e&hvrand=2253090269234170296&hvtargid=aud-840076997981%3Akwd-296385846122&hydadcr=15179_10362783&keywords=she+comes+first&qid=1578377397&sr=8-1

You’re through the fire and now dealing with recovering from the burns.
You will heal. You will recover.

For now, focus on you. Dive into your hobbies. Take time to learn something new. Pamper the fuck out of yourself.

You’re a good person that will become stronger from this.

Also, this:

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman: https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=nodl_

It’s a great primer on understanding how to please your partner more.

Also, people’s preferences for sexual organs is like drinking; Some people want that Everclear 190 bottle and others like a cold IPA, find the people that like what you’re serving up.

She Comes First

Now that women are actually allowed to like sex it turns out many of them have much higher sex drives.

And they like to be pleasured.

While guys still live in the past without an idea how it works or why

I do personally like this book

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060538260/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_.H9uEb9VX7MB6

"She Comes First" is a must read for men and women alike. If you've (women) never really been pleased by a man, this is the perfect book. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060538260/ref=cm_sw_r_apa_i_gAgJEb3Y1X7KZ

I've heard different women recommending the book She comes first, you might find it helpful

I'm currently reading "She Comes First" and the major premise of this book is that cunnilingus or "outcourse" is the best way to pleasure a woman. There is a ton of research / data in the book, but the short answer to your question is that that vast majority of men do not engage in giving oral sex for a whole host of reasons.

The part of your question about whether guys talk about wanting to give oral sex, I suspect that's actually not really true. If I had to bet it's "confirmation bias" in that you (or possibly women generally) notice when a guy says he like cunnilingus but don't notice all of the others who say nothing or voice a dislike.

The book She Comes First by Ian Kerner is a great resource too. Sex isn't just about the penis and I'm sad for most men who are not taught about sex beyond "just stick it in" and get caught on size only when there is a lot more to offer. Could be a good thing to check out.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060538260/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_unbnFb48P8TXR

Purchase the book She Comes First. It’s a step by step guide. Trust me. I gave this to my partner and gooood lord, it took things to the next level.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060538260/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_8-.6Eb4AVJFA0

Your boyfriend sounds like a selfish lover. Get him this book and tell him it's for his next girlfriend.

What she said was hurtful. You are allowed to be hurt. If someone criticised me like that, I'd be fucking hurt too. But also realize that the problem is her, not you. She's a fucking negging bitch. Find someone worth your time, who adores you as much as you adore them.

Also, read some literature about foreplay - you'll boost your confidence knowing that you WILL rock any girl's world. I've heard really good things about:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060538260/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_nCm.EbHKYPWD8

Read this book She Comes First

Might I suggest:

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060538260/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_ihXxEb3ESYSV4

Work smarter, not harder 😉

Read She Comes First.

https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=she+comes+first&qid=1596124101&sr=8-2

Buy this book and make him read it or, at least, read it yourself. The title says it all: She Comes First. She Comes First

If you like him aside from the sex, buy him this book. this book

That's okay, at least you tried! The orgasm gap is real and it can be an incredible turn off for woman when men prioritize their orgasms. Have you heard of the book She Comes First?

It's here! Really reccomend it, I think it would help.

Read This

Get him a copy of She Comes First.

She Comes First - a book by sex therapist Ian Kerner

I suggest the OP and any guy looking to please a woman read the book in the link above. It explains female anatomy perfectly and it has pictures too.

https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260

Get him to read this book. It will school him in everything you want.

Fingers are good idea. You can also consider putting one finger into the anus.

Source: https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260

Hah! Someone's read She comes first. I'm not at all experienced but enthusiasm and a little 'book learning' have to count for something right? I recently read a post here about a guy who takes sexual intercourse off the table completely during his first time with a woman. I love that idea because it takes the pressure off, and it lets a guy learn how to please you with his fingers and tongue. It takes away the 'performance anxiety' if he's already given you orgasms by other means.

https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260

Definitely sounds like your ex was immature and even a bit selfish. I’ll just add that part of that mindset (thinking eating a woman out is gross) comes from media bias and inexperience.

Movies and TV glorify blowjobs for guys, but rarely talk about, show, or allude to a woman enjoying oral sex. It’s totally sexist. Because of this, many men are unfamiliar with the act and many women don’t feel justified asking for it in the same way that a guy might ask for a blowjob.

Second, this attitude can definitely change overtime. When I was younger (because of this media bias), I was a little spooked out by the idea of eating a girl/woman out, mostly because vaginas were foreign to me in general. Eventually, after more experience (and after reading She Comes First - highly recommend for all guys), I started to love it. Now I’m the one initiating oral sex with my partners without being asked and I thoroughly enjoy it.

Most young men aren’t hopeless or evil. They’re just brainwashed, naive, and inexperienced. But all three of those can change.

I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260

He really needs to read this.She Comes First

I believe he was referencing the book She Comes First

I gave this book to my husband. Highly recommend.

Here dude. Others have given you the emotional advice. Here’s a book to help you with the other part: She Comes First

https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3VB6A0K745ME3&keywords=she+comes+first&qid=1578013053&sprefix=she+comes+%2Caps%2C156&sr=8-1

I agree with you Classiceagle63, it helps me with my girlfriend when she is actively talking and guiding me when we are having sex. We talk during sex and are open about what is working or not while having sex and just in daily conversation. OP you’re not alone, I just checked a couple studies right now and the percentage of women that reach orgasm from vaginal penetration alone is around 20%. This is why integrating all types of sex play is important.

There is a lot to say for clitoris stimulation and the power of touch with your entire body. The clitoris alone has 15,000 nerve endings. Which means oral sex or cunninglus for you could be a really awesome experience and something to integrate into being intimate with each other. Sex is not like the movies, tv shows, and pornography. Successful sex for both parties requires communication.

Sometimes just being together making out and practicing what different sensation feel good can be good practice. It helps to build up and lead to an orgasm for both partners. Like running your fingers or nails up and down the back. Perhaps running your hand along the thigh and teasing your partner. Using ice, biting, or using your tongue.

We just starting using this sex toy and it’s been a game changer. I also suggest both of you going to a place like Sara’s Secret, not all stores offer personal help but it can be helpful to talk to staff about your needs. It does require being open and honest about your sex life with a stranger but they can be truly so helpful and choosing the right sex toys for what you need. Also using a water based lube can be really helpful with sex toys.

Femme Funn Booster Bullet

Edit:

Also I read this book in my clinical counseling grad program and it was really helpful. Now that I’m in a new relationship, I’ve been rereading it. He goes in depth about biology and various detailed ways to achieve orgasm but also how to build up pleasure and satisfaction. Also talks about changing your mindset when it comes to sex. He also wrote a book called Passionista which is good for pleasuring men. I haven’t read that one but imagine it’s also good.

She Comes First

Most likely what is holding you back is your own mental state around not having orgasmed before.

Your clitoris still has over 8,000 nerve endings tightly wound into the bulb no matter how small. In addition, the clitoris extends far beyond what you visually see under the hood with legs, and back end g-spot. I highly recommend taking some time to get familiar with your body more with a mirror or exercises from Sherri Winston's book the anatomy of arousal (female RN): https://www.amazon.com/Womens-Anatomy-Arousal-Sheri-Winston/dp/057803395X/. There are images in there to help you understand the structure of the clitoris like this: https://image.shutterstock.com/image-vector/structure-clitoris-medical-poster-female-600w-1197679213.jpg

Additionally, if you are comfortable there's tons of toys you can explore with to your limits as well as podcasts by women who had never orgasmed (How Cum) and learned how. In addition to normal vibrators, dildos or a powerful wand, I believe CalExotics now makes a clitoris suction device. I recommend exploring but probably slowly ease into it as some of these devices are quite powerful stimulators that could reduce future sexual encounters. Just be aware of your options though!

Also, I don't know how sexually active you are... You should learn what you like and get yourself to orgasm first... But eventually get an understanding from books like She comes first that oral is usually a huge component of orgasm for most women in any non solo sexual encounter. https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ Anyways, studies have shown your average woman needs 15 minutes of oral stimulation foreplay to orgasm via vaginal penetration. It takes time for blood to flow to the legs of the clitoris which is what creates the snug fit feeling of PIV.

In conclusion, it is highly unlikely that you are unable to orgasm unless nerve damage occurred at some point in your life. So breathe out and relax. Please realize at your age, it is totally normal, and something like 86% of women your age haven't had an orgasm yet.

Finally, if you really are having issues, talk to your Gynecologist about potential nerve damage or seek out tantra meditation experts. Obviously Doctor first please!

Read the book "She Comes First" https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260

Give him this and call it a day: https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260

This https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=she+comes+first+ian+lerner&qid=1603231151&sprefix=she+comes+fir&sr=8-2

And also have a look at this:

https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=come+as+you+are+book+emily&qid=1603231275&sprefix=come+as+&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=she+comes+first&qid=1591210911&sr=8-1

Tell him to study hard because the final will be a closed book exam, with his results (and yours) being recorded on his permanent record.

For the good sex

Start with this book: https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260

Thank me later

I thought Manson's book was quite good.

I sorta passively listened to Wayne's "How to Be a 3% Man" while driving. Didn't find it as useful/engaging however I strongly, strongly agree with (and have put into practice) his ongoing mantra of just "hang out, have fun, hook up."

Early on stay level-headed, be busy with your life, don't be talking about your "future" together, don't be pushing for commitment. Just have fun with her and show her you're a quality dude (being good at oral never hurts, too). That will breed the attraction necessary to keep her wanting more.

Hi! I was in your situation with my husband back when we first got together.

> My bf told how he has made every woman hes been with in the past orgasm

Lol. We've heard that thousands of times from men. You may never convince him of this, but if he's had more than a very small number of partners it's a virtual certainty that at least some of them were faking their orgasms.

Most woman who are "sexually active" fake orgasms because it is just too risky to tell a guy that you didn't come, especially if it's a new guy and you barely know him. Either he gets mad, or he calls you frigid and dumps you (and, hey, next time might be better!), or he starts thinking there's something wrong with his dick and he goes into a funk.

So girls fake orgasms and guys can go through a LOT of partners and still think every one of them had an orgasm every time, when in fact most of them seldom or never did. And that means they never actually learn what works best for us.

It also promotes two of the most pernicious ideas floating around: that sex should be instinctive and spontaneous, so there's no point in studying, experimenting, or learning new things, and that great sex is the result of great chemistry. Couples who think like that are never going to improve very much, because the only time they add anything new to their tool kit is when something works on the first try.

I went through a string of BFs before I met my (future) husband. And every one of them was convinced that I orgasmed every time.

I'm not proud of faking it. Looking back on it, it was a stupid thing to do, because it meant there was no chance for improvement. I just kept waiting for a miracle, and then dumping that guy in the hopes the next one would have a magic dick and sex would be as good as everyone said it should be.

When I found a guy I could be honest with, who genuinely wanted to know what works for me and was willing to experiment and try things out, it was a revelation. It wasn't just that the sex got so much better. It was knowing I could be completely honest and didn't have to worry about damaging some frail male ego if I spoke up for myself.

Anyway, like you, I was able to orgasm with a vibrator (although it took a lot of time), but never with a guy. When that happens, it usually means that two people are not devoting nearly enough time to foreplay, especially kissing, rubbing against each other, and oral and clit massage for you. If you start PIV sex before you're really, really, really ready, you just aren't going to have an orgasm.

A lot of what worked for us in changing that was trying a lot of things and continuing to tinker with them when they didn't work right away. Like trying to incorporate a vibrator into sex, which was awkward the first few times, but eventually became easy and really nice.

Trying lots of things is important, because women who are slow to get aroused differ so much in terms of what works that it's really hard to give specific advice, except this: don't stop trying new things just because the first ten don't work!

Fortunately, most of the things you will want to try are interesting and enjoyable, even if they don't work the first time, so the journey can be fun even if it takes a while.

This is a good place to start:

• How Women Can Become (More) Orgasmic.

It has a bunch of links to other resources, including this classic book, which I recommend:

• Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women, revised edition

It's out of print, but Amazon usually has used copies for under $10, shipping included. It's a classic for a reason. It has helped many, many women have their first orgasms.

If you're like most couples, you both came into your relationship with a set of preconceived ideas of what "having sex" consists of, in terms of the steps, the techniques, and the amount of time devoted to each one. You've tried that and it hasn't worked, and you've tried some minor variations on those themes without success. But you almost certainly haven't explored all or even most of the possibilities.

A good example of that is the website OMG Yes!!!, where you can learn many variations on about a dozen basic ways to stimulate your vulva and clitoris with your fingers. (It's $39, but definitely worth it.) I recommend exploring it first and experimenting on yourself, and then telling your bf what you want him to try.

I also recommend the book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, by Ian Kerner. It will help a great deal if you have a "slow to warm up" problem or if your bf needs help with oral technique.

More generally, I would urge you to:

1. Get an inexpensive folding massage table. (Under $100 on Amazon, the best investment in good sex you'll ever make!)

2. Learn sensual/erotic massage together and do it a lot.

3. Do sensate focus therapy together. (This is the program described in the second half of "Becoming Orgasmic". It feels great and it really works.)

4. Read the relevant articles from the SO30 Wiki and from this collection for tips on oral and manual technique and advice on increasing sexual arousal during foreplay.

5. Adopt a longer, more sensual script for sex that includes a lot more caresses, deep kissing, oral, and other foreplay before PIV, and follow that script at least half the time.

6. Incorporate your vibrator into foreplay and PIV. As you get used to having orgasms with him beside you, cuddling with you, and/or having orgasms with him inside you, it will be much easier to come from oral sex, clit massage, and maybe eventually PIV.

If he's willing to work with you, you should be able to get this. If he's not ... well, maybe he's not Mr. Right after all.

Good luck!

I see that TantraGirl has already given you a link to my blog. I do encourage you to read it and share the link with him. But when you do read it, pay attention to the early posts about whether you're ready (as a couple) to learn tantric sex. I have not seen much success at learning full-blown tantra among couples who are still having trouble with the basics of good normal sex, and especially if they are having trouble with their relationship.

> I have a lot of anxiety and I also feel massage to help me relax would help, but again,on the rare occasion I ask, he tries to massage me and it's very fast and jolting, I feel like he's shaking me into more alertness vs slow and relaxing. He says that's just how his brain works, but I think neither of us know what intimate massage consists of.

Now this is something you can do right away! It's a small, discrete, solvable piece of the bigger problem that you can tackle together, and if you solve it, it will move you forward in an important way.

Here's my suggested approach:

Start out by scheduling a double massage appointment at a local spa. Nothing tantric or sexual, just a good masseuse or masseur. Make sure in advance that it will be okay for you to watch and ask a few questions while your bf is getting his massage, and vice versa while you are getting yours. This is so you know what a good massage looks and feels like, and so you'll have a shared frame of reference later on.

Then check around and see if you can find an instructor who teaches 'couples massage.' The instructor should be willing to stand across the table and show you what to do as you massage your bf, and then show him what to do when he's massaging you. You want someone who will explain what you should do and why, while demonstrating the right pressure and speed and correcting any bad or jerky or tentative motions.

You MIGHT be able to find someone who is both a licensed masseur/masseuse and a tantra instructor, in which case they can cover both the second and third phase. Otherwise, after your massage lesson, you have the option of trying to find someone who does tantric massage and is willing to demonstrate on each of you. But finding someone reputable is really hard, and you can actually take the third step – from regular massage to tantric full-body massage – on your own, with the help of some books and videos.

This is a review I wrote about a website that provides tutorials on dozens of different techniques for clit and vulva massage:

• OMG Yes!!!

It's a paysite, but definitely worth it if you can get your boyfriend to actually work through the tutorials

Here are some books you might want to check out:

• The Joy of Sex

• She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

• Erotic Massage for Couples

This is a collection of articles I wrote that includes several articles on erotic massage, including reviews of videos that demonstrate excellent technique:

• A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex

And this is an article by TantraGirl with a ton of links to other good resources:

• Learning Sensual/Erotic Massage

I hope this helps. Have fun exploring!

You have courage and wisdom for leaving an abusive relationship and asking for help.. okay, you might only be only asking for examples and not for help, but I'm a reclusive love scholar so I'm giving you my knowledge anyway and also because it might benefit other readers. It's not only possible to be with great men, in some cases, you can make great men. One way you can do this is by offering them the right information in a friendly way, though they have to want it for themselves as much as for you, and slowly work at it.. here is that information.

If there is only one book you could give to any man you are dating that would improve the relationship, I would say to go with "For Men Only by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn". It's based on sociological data from women based on surveys to help men understand their general romantic needs. There is also a companion book called "For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn" written for women on men, and apart from the absolutist stance on the male desire to provide, I think the entire book is spot on.

If you want a guy to be good at oral sex, and he wants to be better at it and have a happier partner, the best book for that is probably She Comes First by Ian Kerner.

Lastly, Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is a book written more for women, and possibly the best book ever written on how men and women's sexual psychology differ. It's a book that every woman who doesn't know much about the subject should read, and reading it could change their lives. If a man can accept that it's written more for women, and still get through it, he can gain tremendous insight into how women's sexuality works and is different from his, and be happier and make his partner happier with the knowledge.

But what about you? Our childhood experiences can imprint love styles onto us that are destructive in our relationships, even from memories we forget. You and anyone you date might be dealing with this, but knowledge is power, here are possible love styles from the book How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich.
Finally there are these books by the godfather and godmother of couple's therapy and bettering relationships: Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.

Lastly, here's a video of a speech by Shaunti Feldhahn on her book "For Women Only" about understanding the inner lives of men: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0cFE0pg2_I