Nonviolent Communication (A Language of Life)

Here’s a great book that’s helped me navigate situations better:

https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X/

I did 3 years as infantry and honestly, that's the kind of people I interact with best and who I like to be around the most.

But in a professional setting it's not the same. You need to use the correct level of interaction for the audience. I admit, I don't always do this well.

A few things I do:

• I reread emails/ims multiple times and soften the wording. I read through this post about 5 times removing any profanity and sarcasm.
• I try to ask questions instead of directly telling people what to do. Leading people to the answer I want tends to result in feelings of cooperation instead of them feeling like I'm just telling them how to do their job.
• I make an effort to make a note of the things I like and tell people that I like the thing that they did
• I don't make corrections for trivial things or things that don't matter. It's more important to maintain social cohesion and not hurt peoples feelings.

Now all that said, if something is really terrible, then make suggestions. But don't say "this sucks change it". It's "I was thinking that we could do blah. It would give us the advantage of blur. What do you think?" And it's not "this takes 5 minutes are you stupid?". It's "hey, if we go into blah, can we just make a small change and do this pretty quickly? What do you think?"

You can consider non violent communication. I actually really dislike when people talk to me like this, and I'll ask them to stop, but apparently it's really effective for normal people.

My partner has ADHD. I am actually tight now waiting for my diagnosis (Oo, October, come faster!).

Once I found a quote with this point:

I will take care of myself because of you. You will take care of yourself, because of me.

No one else can make you happy. Only you can do it. Do not try to make him happy, take care of yourself and show him how to be happy. Of course you have to be emotionally smart when you start to do it. You can even introduce him this thought. Do not be harsh or insensitive. Be still nice.

He might have some problems, insecurities etc that you do not know. Tell him nicely how do you feel and what you would like to accomplish. And that you will be there for him.

I recommend this book: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) . It has helped me a lot. I did not knew before how bad I was with my "feedback's" and how other person might have felt attacked when I said some stuff. This book is not only good for intimate relationships, it has helped me with all kind of relationships. Clients, parents, etc.

Sometimes even when we mean to be supportive, we use words that make our partners feel invalidated. Often their responses can make us feel like they don't want us to disagree ever, when really all they need is to feel like we're listening. My husband and I really liked this book. It's helped us talk about difficult topics. It sounds like you and your S.O. have some differences of opinion about how she talks to her son. And that's a VERY sensitive kind of topic. I'd really recommend giving this book a read and seeing if you can use some of its techniques to explain your viewpoint, which would hopefully lead to her backing off a bit when you're protective of the boy. You clearly care about both her and the kid.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/189200528X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_FYrbFbPSRBG4Q

If you’d like to read THE book on expressing gratitude through language in a non aggressive way I recommend reading Non-violent Communication by Robert Marshall. I haven’t before, read a book that captures the intricacies of language while teaching you how to communicate in a different way. The book helped shift my way of thinking from how to connect with the person instead of the action they completed for me.

A lot of these sort of studies are confirming what the book touches on. It’s a guide for empathy which in turn is a path of wisdom.

This is the closest thing to the one I've got:

https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships-dp-189200528X/dp/189200528X/ref=mt_paperback?_encoding=UTF8&me=&qid=

Oh, OP, it hurts to not receive the over-deserving love, to be shown appreciation for being a part of someone else’s life. I know of this too well.

Two things: I highly recommend getting the book “Nonviolent Communication”. The book’s strategy for handling critical conversations works magic. It can help you have this conversation compassionately and honestly him. And it may help bring up something he may be struggling with on his side in which you weren’t aware of, such as that he may be dealing with shame but does not know how to express it.

The second thing is Ralph Waldo-Emerson, “Comparison is the thief of joy”. I know this is a vent letter, however holding that space even mentally will transfer through you and the relationship. Yes, you chose your husband and you can choose to be with him and choose to love him. Or you can choose to move on. Love is a feeling, but it is also a choice. Some days require more choice vs solely on the feeling.

You sound like an amazing and thoughtful person who is wanting to share in the joys that caring and love can bring.

Look into DBT, I've heard it's better for us. And get NonViolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and the workbook, too.

It's a compassionate communication framework based on observations vs evaluations, needs, feelings, and requests to have needs met. I first listened to it on my library app and then bought the paperback and workbook to go through. I'm still working my way through them, and it revolutionary coming from an emotional neglect background. Blew my mind entirely.

Highly recommend reading Nonviolent Communication, really great book with toolset to better communicate with people. (https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X)

Observe (be concrete and avoid evaluation)

Describe our own feelings (take responsibility for your own feelings)

Articulate the needs that give rise to these feelings

Request help of others (be as concrete as possible)

Source: https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X/

My favorite book that helped me the most is not necessarily about anger management. It taught me so much about my emotional health and communication. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) https://www.amazon.com/dp/189200528X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_mkYkFbRMSWSQ3

So you told her how you felt, opened up the door for more honest communication, and she’s reacted by pulling away more and projecting her own shady behavior into accusations about your own trustworthiness.

So if this next but sounds counterintuitive or like you’re being blamed, please don’t read it that way.

This is pragmatic advice:

You’re not responsible for her behavior or ability to communicate. You’re responsible for your own. You are not responsible for her reactions to your clearly communicated needs: your responsibility is to clearly communicate them, open the door to her response and then really truly listen.

Are you actually standing your ground and being assertive about your needs? Or do you bring these things up and then let her dismiss you?

If you are unhappy it’s not her job to change. It’s her choice, and if you’ve made yourself clearly heard, and she hasn’t responded the way you hope then you have your answer.

You have to learn to take no for an answer.

Going further down this path with both of your current behavior patterns is unhealthy.

I highly recommend this book to explore different ways to relate to sharing feelings and needs: https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X

My marriage counselor recommended the book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) https://www.amazon.com/dp/189200528X/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_apa_i_NliMEbW654NAW. I highly recommend it too.

I would tell your wife clearly how you feel. Things need to change. If she's willing to work on them - for real - there's hope.

If she's unwilling to try whatever to takes, books, courses, more counseling etc, you have to decide how much of this you're willing to take.

Good luck. We're here for you no matter what happens.

> I have been falsely banned around 6 times.

You have been "falsely" banned 6 times?

Perhaps, it has something to do with how you communicate. Genuinely trying to help so don't be offended, but I suggest this book.

I am currently reading the book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, by Marshall B. Rosenberg. I think this book may be useful to you. It is a book about the fact that the way many of us communicate with others is detrimental (termed "violent" by the author) and helps people understand better ways of communicating with others.

I am not yet finished reading the book, but so far it has been very enlightening. I think the book can benefit everyone, but especially those who have issues communicating with other people. It deals with the importance of empathy, dealing with feelings, and other aspects of emotions and communication. I think it may provide some help to you.

The book is $11 on Amazon if you're interested. Best of luck to you.

https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X

Most of the good ideas are in the water supply at this point, but it's still probably useful to be aware of nonviolent communication.

>You need more positivity in your life and I truly hope you find it. You deserve to be happy.

When you say things like this, you come across as two-faced and dishonest. It makes it difficult to take anything you take seriously or to sympathize with you. You come across as manipulative.

Thus, when you say:

> I hope you enjoy the rest of your day and I appreciate you taking the time to voice your concerns.

...I don't believe you mean that. I feel like you are gaslighting me, and that you are actually smugly dismissing me and my concerns. I feel you are patronizing me and I am being condescended to. If your goal is to avoid conflict, this is not how to go about it.

Authenticity is essential to nonviolent communication. You are not being authentic because you are afraid of confrontation. You cannot be a revolutionary and be afraid of conflict.

A few ideas. To have better communication, try a deesc script as explained here https://www.cogtoolz.com/pages/deesc-script . It uses I language, less blame so they can hear you better and you get to say what you’d like them yo do. And if they do that, you won’t yell and scream as much and could enjoy more time with them. Try one out in your own words, memorize it or read it off paper or your phone.

And if you have suicidal thoughts, ask for some therapy or talk to a doctor. It can really help. And even ask for therapy or family therapy so they can learn skills to talk with you and respect you.

This book is also good in talking to people so they understand you. https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=28DVPTSNVWI43&dchild=1&keywords=nonviolent+communication&qid=1608753176&sprefix=Nonviole%2Caps%2C273&sr=8-1

I really feel for you. It’s not easy when parents don’t realize you are growing up and need to communicate in different ways. And that you need your boundaries respected.

>Nonviolent Communication

This?

https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X/

I found using techniques from Nonviolent communication worked really well conveying the emotional importance of things. It allows you to be clear about your needs or frustrations without pointing the finger at the other person. Here's a good quick rundown

I'm so sorry your therapist isn't giving you what you need. Maybe you can find a school counselor to talk to. There are many books written about breaking the cycle of abuse, maybe check some out at your library. I haven't read this book, which is about communication, but have heard great things: https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2Z5FXU4OGS683&keywords=nonviolent+communication&qid=1582666764&sprefix=nonviolent+%2Caps%2C205&sr=8-2

Some day you will be able to live apart from your parents, and that is probably when things will get easier because you will have more control. In the meantime, try to find and build supportive relationships around you and practice being a good friend.

Depends where you are. I've just signed up as a volunteer to talk to young people who want to talk about mental health. The place is aiming to be a midway thing, because in society we have either the healthy side or the side that needs a therapist/hospital, but nothing in between. Someone to just... talk to. You can check them out here.

You could also invest your time into something that will later on help you achieve your goal. This requires a bit of patience. A book I recommend reading is Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It is written by a psychologist who later on became a peacemaker and mediator, solving complex problems between couples, schools, colleagues and even tribes who had been killing each other. He uses a communication technique that dives into what people are actually saying when they are angry, by assuming that every insult, harsh word or aggressive statement is masking an unmet need. On first read you might find it a bit different but really this book is one the best investments I've made to be able to talk to people in a more constructive way. Here is a video of him explaining it if you don't want the book.

If you have a skillset you can find communities around those skills and offer to help beginners and be their mentor. You could create some meaningful relationships in the process!

Love you for asking the question. Hope this helps point you in a direction.

I highly suggest these two books. The first will help with your writing skills, as it's hard to follow the point you're trying to get across. The second will help with your communication skills and benefit you in future relationships.

https://www.amazon.com/Writing-Well-Classic-Guide-Nonfiction/dp/0060891548/

https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X/

" I feel jealous of everyone else. I feel envious when they are having fun with other people. I want desperately to not feel this way and in theory i want to be poly and i believe i don't have to own anyone or put limits on their ability to love and enjoy others "

I am the poly one in my relationship (my nesting partner is monogamish) and she has had to deal with very similar feelings. In our collective self-work effort we have read a few books that have been pivotal to becoming more autonomous emotionally, understanding that another's needs being met do not have to necessarily negatively effect the other.

The biggest one: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides)

https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X

After that and those ideas are internalized then move onto:

Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

https://www.amazon.com/Say-What-You-Mean-Communication/dp/161180583X/ref=sxts_sxwds-bia-wc-drs1_0?cv_ct_cx=say+what+you+mean&dchild=1&keywords=say+what+you+mean&pd_rd_i=161180583X&pd_rd_r=b8b038de-24bb-4cf0-b29a-e1ece9b844da&pd_rd_w=1wz0v&pd_rd_wg=Zhb5l&pf_rd_p=055f7364-94db-4b93-80d6-346300592c66&pf_rd_r=ZGBV4HF7BWFWNHWXSV1C&psc=1&qid=1595462512&s=books&sr=1-1-f7123c3d-6c2e-4dbe-9d7a-6185fb77bc58

We're still working on Say What you Mean... but to speak to the success of the effort: When I first met my second partner my nesting partner was EXTREMELY not ok generally: self-loathing, inadequacy, jealousy, you name it she felt it and I felt guilty, hesitant, and a bit of resentment towards my nesting partner and now 4 months later and TONS of work later my nesting partner, myself and my second partner and her husband all went white water rafting together for my birthday, and had a fantastic time. Compersion all around.

I wish you luck, and if you honestly feel like you could be poly I would say don't give up, work through your issues, "own your shit" and don't let discomfort dissuade you from pursuing the effort. The reward, at least for me, has been well worth the effort. I think my nesting partner would agree heartily.

First, a hug. This is hard to learn about yourself (I know from personal experience)

PLEASE READ THESE IN THIS SPECIFIC ORDER

Second Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) https://www.amazon.com/dp/189200528X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Tf-hEbV7K3P22

It changed my life

After that read

Getting to Yes with Yourself: (and Other Worthy Opponents) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00OP1FIUM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_.i-hEb238W1VF

Which is learning how to figure your wants out and communicating it clearly

Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553371312/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_rh-hEbAF0A5K1

Which will help you communicate and negotiate with your relationships better

Finally

Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143118757/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_ei-hEbEJA8RBN

Which is how to be fair but also true to yourself

READ THEM IN THIS ORDER

I don't know if your relationship can last through this, but I do have some recommendations for things you can read:

John Gottman is a well-respected relationship therapist with many books and articles out there. Here's a popular article: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

And here is an approachable book: The Relationship Cure

From your post, it seems like neither of you have outstanding conflict skills, so I also want to recommend Nonviolent Communication which is a book / practice that may help you get more of what you want.

Last, there's a book I really enjoyed recently that's sort of hilariously old timey at this point, but it's incredibly straightforward and actionable about how to be assertive, and I think if you ready even the first half of it, that it would give you a lot to think about. It's called When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

Good luck!

Hi there! 💜

If you're truly serious about being successful with women (and at life in general) I would recommend that you buy these books — all of them. I know that buying these all at once is a bit expensive, but you should want to invest in yourself to give yourself the best chance in life.

1. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0692552669/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_epluFbAVV49RP

2. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1515234045/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Z9juFbEZG20GA

3. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0762415339/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_bakuFbAC6NXAN

4. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492777862/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_y.juFb7PQMD8Z

5. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_ackuFb26FC9QW

6. https://www.amazon.com/dp/099708619X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_ZqkuFbRHETYJS

7. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1501171992/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_8ckuFbG07VFER

8. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1499794606/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_lrkuFbM58HAW9

9. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1612542956/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_UekuFbV7XXNHC

10. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1546581731/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_-dkuFb311M0BQ

11. https://www.amazon.com/dp/189200528X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_6ikuFb8JHGBDK

12. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1982137274/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_7wkuFb6EWC81W

BONUS: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0140280197/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_MykuFbC7T6TE6

If you aren't able to afford all of them at once I would recommend that you buy the first two books to get started. I didn't list them in any particular order, but these are all highly rated books (that I've read) that will help you improve and make more opportunities available to you.

I selected these books to recommend to you because I believe they will be the most beneficial to you. I would recommend that you put these books in a monthly rotation so that you're reading them over and over to help you really absorb the information so that you are better and more able to apply what you've learned. You have to read them again and again and put in the work because there is no quick solution; especially when it comes to women. You might have bad behaviors, habits, or self defeating thoughts or beliefs that you need to unlearn and replace with something healthier, and that takes a lot of work and TIME — be patient.

Obviously you should read these books from the Christian perspective and apply what you learn accordingly. You also need to be open to ideas that may be contrary to how you think you should approach and interact with women.

For example: If you treat her like a friend you're going to put YOURSELF in the Friend Zone. A lot of men make the mistake of thinking that friendship is the path to a relationship when in reality friendship is the path to the Friend Zone, and if she feels like you were only pretending to be her friend just to get in her pants she'll throw you out of her life. Women see it as a form of betrayal.

Make your intentions known up front through clear confident actions. If you want to be more than friends and this is a girl you would like to date then you should setup a date. If you aren't confident enough to setup a date on the spot face to face simply ask her for her number so you can call or text her to, "Go do something fun sometime." Don't just think a date is dinner and a movie. Girls want to have fun! And they don't want to have to make any decisions or help you set it up. They want you to be the leader. Make the date a fun adventure that you take her on. Do some research and look for some really awesome places in your area. Taking her out for a coffee and then spontaneously taking her to something like Disneyland would immediately put you on top of the list of the most fun guys she's ever been with. A lot of guys take a girl out to eat and bore her to death talking, and all they usually do is successfully talk her out of being interested.

If she rejects you don't freak out. Be gracious, stay cool, MOVE ON, and you can come back and try again a few months later, and possibly with better results. If a girl rejects you and she sees that you can walk away unphased by it this can make her think more highly of you and she might have higher interest in you the next time around. You need to read these books.

If you take this seriously and put in the work you will change your life. I believe in you. I know you can do it. Just don't get discouraged, and most importantly — NEVER GIVE UP!