The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Change your mind.

You speak about the love languages, but do you truly understand all that there is about them? The entire point is that it's not about you, it's about how your partner wants to feel. Seriously go buy the book and read it cover to cover.

The way you describe it is kind of like she hates drinking milk and loves iced tea. But you like milk a lot so you cram milk down her throat because that's all you want in life. And you're pissed off that she has the gall to want iced tea. In fact, iced tea doesn't even enter your mind and if it's brought up, it MAKES YOU MAD BECAUSE I GAVE YOU PLENTY OF MILK. You don't even buy into the concept of iced tea at all. You'd never serve a glass for the rest of your life because you don't value the stuff. You gave milk so why the hell do you keep bringing up that damned iced tea? Enough is enough of that stupid tea!

So let's reframe this. Do you value your wife? Yes or no. Do you value her opinion? Yes or no. Does she deserve to hear that she's wanted, that she's done something well, that you're proud of her and that you love her? Yes or no. This is the foundation that needs to be there.

If all of these are yes, then it's time to make them a priority. "I didn't think about it" or "it didn't occur to me" are cop-outs. Is her happiness and fulfillment a priority to me or not? My take is that doing these things should be fun and make you feel good. I want life to be fun so I bring it--even as I had to be taught long ago, same as you.

I saw an app yesterday that might help. It's iOS only right now, but they're making the Android version. It sends reminders to do and be nice to your partner. It's called emi daily relationship reminder.

These

First off, if you havent already please read The Five Love Languages this will help you both understand how the other feels love and that's important to ensure you both feel desired. It may also explain that his love language isnt touch but maybe quality time or gifts. Once you understand that you can both work together to find a solution that works. Maybe he needs some toys, maybe it needs to be a kinky board game or some sexy dice. Remember it's not about the destination it's about the journey!

Deal link: Amazon

Honestly, that's a tough topic. Everyone feels love differently, using different methods. Some love cuddles and constant touch, a physical showcase of affection. Others want to be told and receive little love notes and letters. Several like when their SO spends time doing things for them (laundry, making the bed, ironing shirts, dishes, wiping off the windshield, changing the oil, etc.). There's even a large group that feel loved when given things, both with time spent on a diy project or a high cost purchase. Some like just being together, in each other's company.

A big key in my relationship is to communicate. If you can't tell him this stuff, there's something else going on and you've gotta figure that out.

I was given a book when I got married and it helped me realize how I could tell my SO what I needed in order to feel the love I know he has for me. It helped in friendships and family relations too, since it's a behavioral type book focused on lasting relationships. (I only took the 'quiz' at the back of the book initially and skimmed the relative sections before finally reading the whole thing.)

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts https://www.amazon.com/dp/080241270X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_TcKcEbEG1FJ5P

TL;DR There's nothing wrong with wanting gifts, as long as you communicate with your SO. Try this book that helped me, especially if you need help starting the conversation.

This won't address your question directly, but I think it will really help you and give you some perspective and insight if you would read the Five Love Languages. . It's a great book, and it's a short read.

>There are five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Each one is important and expresses love in its own way. Learning your partner's and your own primary love language will help create a stronger bond in your relationship.

>Chapman's book claims that the list of five love languages is exhaustive. According to this theory, each person has one primary and one secondary love language.

>The author suggests that to discover another person's love language, one must observe the way they express love to others, and analyze what they complain about most often and what they request from their significant other most often. He theorizes that people tend to naturally give love in the way that they prefer to receive love, and better communication between couples can be accomplished when one can demonstrate caring to the other person in the love language the recipient understands.

Also, I recommend reading this book. It's about Love Languages. Invaluable information!

This

It's a book written by a pastor at the church I go to Basically everyone expresses and feels loved in 5 different actions. You and your BF should look into it so see how you both show love and feel loved

The original idea was in the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

It’s a really insightful book that really can help you communicate love to someone else

I'm kind of in your shoes (flip the script) and my wife is not much of a cuddler by nature. I used to think that she should want to snuggle work me on her own, but I have come to realize that those feelings were my projections of what I considered loving behavior. As time went on, I realized that she showed affection in other ways, mainly verbal. She is very positive, supportive, and encouraging.

That said, I have told her what I need from the relationship, which includes physical touch and affection, and she had been a good listener and tries to find time to meet my needs. That is what a good SO does, listening and compromising.

You will always run into personality differences in romantic relationships, and the sign of a good SO is one who is willing to work with you to meet your needs, and does a good job communicating their needs to you while working to find common ground.

One resource I would recommend on this is The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It helps categorize long term desires in romantic relationships into easy actions you and your partner can take to meet each other in a mutually good place.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts https://www.amazon.com/dp/080241270X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_9yDhFb1J4QJVR

I read this book when I got married and I think there’s a lot of good to take away from it. It’s a short read. It’s slightly religious. But for the most part it’s not. Written by a psychologist. My wife read it too I think that it has given us a few key pointers on how to communicate. I don’t follow it like a book of instructions for marriage but it certainly has some good advice.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/080241270X/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_mR56EbETCXZND

This book has over 15,000 5 star reviews.

>i tried to go to the shooting range but that gets expensive where i live.

It is expensive everywhere. I'm glad you are trying to get other hobbies.

>we met in a very wierd way and the only reason we lasted this long was because "we dont talk about it."

I would suggest a heart to heart conversation with you girlfriend and find out what she sees you as and what she sees in the future for you guys.

>when the original thing that got us started to stop its kinda feels like we dont have anything in common and just tolerate the other.

This is one of the reasons for the heart to heart conversation as well as truly start dating each other.

Might I suggest two books for you. Both are easy reads, however, they both are based in Christianity. But they have both helped me in my relationship with my wife. The first is [5 Love Languages] (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X) and the second is The Love Dare. Both these books focus on changing you, not your significant other.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

NAH. I recommend that both of you read this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Different people express love in different ways, and this book provides a very logical description of those expressions. Reading that book will help you guys to understand where each of you is coming from.

Many relationships in the AITA sub are beyond repair, but this one sounds very salvageable.

This has been over suggested on this and the r/marriage Sub, but get yourselves into couples therapy. Communication is the biggest problem in every marriage. Poor communication leads to contempt which is a major predictor of an impending divorce.

In the meantime, read How to Win Friends and Influence People. It's an OLD book with old stories but the theme is communication and that is timeless. You can read it in about three hours but we read it together, just a few paragraphs each night, over the course of several months. It spurs all sorts of insightful talks which will inevitably help your communication. Also, The 5 Love Languages is a great read.

Oh, two more that I forgot about (not women-specific):

The 5 Love Languages - There are 5 main ways people desire and express love, usually a person desires/expresses it in 1-2 of these ways. Reading this helped me understand what I need to feel loved and fulfilled, as well as how another person expresses/needs love.

The Four Agreements - Outlines an idealistic way to live life - being easier on ourselves, how to view hurtful comments and not take it personally, etc. The book has its flaws and can be a little "woo-woo", but the main points are effective and even brought me to tears at some points.

Attached. Huge eye opener. I recommend this and The Five Love Languages to everyone who is in a relationship or wants to be in one. Please give it a read. It can help you not only understand yourself better, but also help you as you re-enter the dating scene. It’s a heavily researched book on attachment theory.

Learning my attachment style (anxious) has been invaluable. Learning my partner’s (secure-avoidant) has been helpful. Thanks to that book I was able to communicate my needs more effectively and also better understand and respect her needs.

The Five Love Languages gave me a better conception of what love looks like to my partner (quality time, acts of service) and myself (words of affirmation, quality time, physical affection). I ended up sitting down and brainstorming ways to speak her language, and I expressed to her what would mean a lot to me.

Also, didn’t look at the book the other guy linked, but just be aware, he’s a MGTOW refugee. I would take his suggestions with a grain of salt.

Ok. You might be someone whose main love language is touch. But in general touch is so important to the human experience that going without can be devastating.

Here's some homework for you:

First, figure out your love language: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=love+languages&qid=1580507574&sr=8-1

Next, see if you have any emotional neglect issues: https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional-ebook/dp/B009VJ4B4C/ref=sr_1_1?crid=703CCW6BV7WK&keywords=running+on+empty&qid=1580507401&sprefix=running+on+empty%2Caps%2C149&sr=8-1

Third...and this is a long read but EXTREMELY worth it. You need to understand how your brain processes emotional and physical trauma (and YES, NOT BEING ABLE TO PRACTICE EMOTIONS AS A CHILD IS TRAUMA): https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=sr_1_2?crid=1RKAC3PNUP1J1&keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score&qid=1580507595&sprefix=the+body+keep%2Caps%2C157&sr=8-2

Finally, if you have money, look into finding a professional cuddler. I'm not joking. People who are trained to touch can help guide you through these feelings in a non-sexual way. A more sexual form of this is a 'sacred intimate'. Sacred intimates engage in sex or BDSM but only after a LOT of sessions figuring out what your hangups around being touched are (whether that's sexual abuse, a traumatic episode, or just not being able to give or receive it). If you live in the Seattle area I have a friend who is one. She's extremely picky about her clients though.

Finally, you can also learn how to provide healing touch for yourself. I do something called Improvisational Contact Dance. It's a form of dance, but the people in that community are also very trained in somatic therapy. We do a LOT of focus on touch while we dance. That's actually 50% of what the dance-form is. The other 50% is learning how to control yourself during movement with yourself and other people. I fucking love it and it's been THEE main factor in controlling my avoidant tendencies and figuring them out.

I highly recommend reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. You can listen to the audiobook with an Audible.com free trial, and a paper copy is almost certainly available at your local library if you're in the US. It made the most difference in my own marriage and my (male sub) dynamic with my wife, which really surprised me. I read a bunch of other books first, on topics ranging from the science of sex to female sexuality to books specifically about BDSM, but this book helped me understand that sexuality wasn't really the issue from my wife's perspective.

I used to think that if she would only lock me in a chastity cage or order me to do household chores in a kinky, domineering way, then it would be easy for me to become the perfect husband: washing dishes, folding laundry, cooking meals, packing the kids' lunches, quickly completing repairs around the house, etc. And I thought that if I could just become better at giving massages and performing cunnilingus, then she would come to enjoy sex as much as I do. But this book helped me realize that touch is my love language--not hers--and she didn't really want massages or oral sex. And while service is one of her big love languages, I had failed to notice how she had changed since we were first married. Although my failure to keep up with dishes and laundry was a big point of contention in our early years, now that the kids are walking and talking, she sees these activities as a welcome opportunity to watch shows on her tablet and have some time to herself. The way I can serve her is not by doing stereotypically servile things, but rather by playing with the kids so she can wash dishes and watch her show without being interrupted, or by taking them out to eat or to a picnic in the park so she can stay home and play video games. It turned out that spending more time with our kids was also the best way to improve our marriage and sexual relationship. Once I started listening better, understood what she wanted in our relationship at this particular moment, and became better at giving it to her, it was much easier for me to ask for the things I wanted and needed (beatings, cuddles, ear nibbles, getting hugged form behind), and she was more than happy to do them both spontaneously and upon request.

The best way to find out Sir's love language is to have him read the book with you and then tell you (there are also some quizzes on the book's website). But if I were to make a guess, based on what you've shared in your post, I would say that his primary love language might be either words of affirmation (you mention that he says he's "not a very good Dom") or acts of service (you mention that he thinks focusing on household/family related things first will also improve your relationship dynamic). Of course, you're in a much better position to make an educated guess than this random stranger on the internet.

So, I just reread everything I wrote. This is likely going to come across as a bit of tough love. I’m trying to brace you for it because I know a lot of people could choose to be offended by how I approach this, but I understand I am trying to help. Reading through your post it really struck me that you seem to not understand the things that you are doing wrong, and that you don’t even realize you’re doing them wrong. You can course correct, and it’s surprisingly less than you may think, but you do need to put in the work.

> She used to say “why don’t you do something like that” when we watched romance movies together while we dated.

Honestly question: why DIDN’T you do something like that? Your wife was legit dropping clues into how she receives love and you ignored and marginalized it.

> I can’t write romantic letters, I can’t sweep her off her feet like the women are in the movies.

Have you even tried?

> It feels like she needs to consume these movies and books because I can't give her the romance she wants, and it hurts me.

Bro. It hurts you? How selfish ARE you?

> I try to be romantic and take her out, set the vibe etc

At what frequency? When was the last time? I get that COVID is stopping people from going out, but when did you last make her dinner? Or do things for her that she has expressed she would like? When did you last buy her flowers?

> she’s still consuming it and it makes me feel that she's doing something wrong

Get out of your own way.

> I'm afraid to ask people at church for help. I imagine them laughing and saying it’s just romantic movies and books, nothing more

If you never get over your fear of asking people for help, you will never grow. As C.S. Lewis said, “To what will you look for help if you will not look to that which is stronger than yourself?”

> (like she does, she thinks I’m being ridiculous) I never hear guys talk about this like it’s an issue, but to me it feels like what it would feel like for her if I watched porn and told her to do what they do in porn movies.

False analogy. You can watch a romantic movie with your parents, but not porn.

> To be frank I don't really see the difference between the two

Great, you’ve pinpointed your problem. Now get over it and move on. There is an absolutely massive difference between the two.

> sexuality begins in the brain whether it’s tickled by pictures of naked women or pictures of romance

This just shows how little you understand about women and their feelings about sex.

> it doesn't really matter to me.

This is your second major problem: you insist you know the problem is hers, you’re wrong, and you are INDIFFERENT about it. Things won’t get better until you learn how to relate to your wife on her terms.

> Shouldn't I be the only source of romance in her life?

No. Get over yourself.

> Shouldn’t she be satisfied by me?

Only if you are ACTUALLY satisfying her the way SHE needs.

> I'm willing to meet all her needs, including these but

Drop the but. Change your approach. Serve her the way she desires to be served.

> I don't want to be married like that

Dude, this literally IS marriage. Marriage includes doing things that we don’t initially want to do, but we need to do them, because our role as husbands is to serve our wives.

> What do I need to do???

First, stop thinking that you are approaching your wife correctly and stop thinking about yourself as some kind of victim. Buy, read, and practice the five love languages. Everyone has a primary and secondary way they receive love (specifically how they feel loved).

Second, get an elder in your church, specifically one that has been married longer than you, to mentor you on a weekly basis. Learn what serving your wife actually means in tangible ways that YOUR wife desires. Make a study of your wife: she’s a real person with real feelings and real desires and it’s clear you don’t understand what those are at this point in time, but you will if you do this. You can lead her into the place romantically that you BOTH desire by altering your approach.

Marriage is work. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. It takes a lot of heavy lifting on the front end, but it gets easier because it becomes routine and you also get better at it, which makes it seem less like work.

I do have to make a note: depending upon your reaction to this post, you will either recognize the things you need to do to move forward, and what you are doing wrong now, or you will harden your heart and simply ignore all of the input you’re getting. I’m not the end all be all, that’s why I am referring you to an elder in your church.

But if there’s anything I do understand, it’s how to lead my wife. Mostly, it requires doing things on her behalf for her benefit whatever the cost is to me. It’s a servant leadership role. That’s what sets Christian marriage apart from non-Christian marriage.

OK so he definitely gets mad at every little thing. He has his mind set on how things should go, the towel should be on the bar, and when he reaches for it and it's not there, he lets his anger take off. He feels that the world is set against him and you are part of that world. I would just remind him that you don't wake up with the intention of ruining his day. He wakes up expecting to be accosted and feeling like he deserves to be outraged every day.

These little things that make him mad are the difference between what he wants or expects to happen and what actually happens. He expects the towel to be there, the towel's not there. Whose fault is that? Nobody's. Not yours, not his. He could have checked before he got i the shower but he didn't. It's more of an accident than a mistake. Accidents will happen. The world isn't perfect and neither are we.

So his challenge is lowering his expectations. Mistakes and accidents will happen. Are we going to blow up at every little thing or are we going to laugh it off. In two or three days will this incident matter? Not in the sense that a towel was misplaced. But if he stays angry, he's using this and every other minor incident to continue fueling his anger. That's the tragedy of these small events. That he uses them to justify being angry all the time.

> he yelled at me for not giving a shit about him

The measure of your love for him is not contained in whether or not you provide a towel for his shower. This is almost a self-esteem issue. Does he frequently look for an excuse, for evidence to show that you don't care about him? This may sound silly but three's the book The Five Love Languages that is supposed to help us identify how our partner likes to be shown love and affection, so we can help them feel loved and appreciated. I have to admit I haven't read it, but it might give some insight into how he wants to feel loved.

Who does his anger harm? You're doing a good job of working on your own calm. So to really is harming him. He has to walk around with this anger in him all the time and it's very unhealthy. It can result in heart attack, stroke, high blood pressure. But it also shows his child that adults aren't perfect and can have real problems with their emotions. If he can't control himself why should she? It's really unfortunate. You could leave a book like When Anger Hurts Your Kids lying on your side of the table as a not-so-subtle hint that you're concerned that his anger is having a bad effect on her. There's also Calming the Family Storm and The Solo Partner. Your library might have copies of these or other useful books. You could do a research trip and take your daughter with so she can do homework together too.

> he likes being angry because it gives him control in the situation

This is a common reason people can't let go of the anger. They worry that if they reduce their anger they won't be able to stand up for themselves and they'll end up letting people "run all over them."

The encouraging thing is that the opposite is true. They'll be able to share a lot more and more likely have their views considered if they are more considerate in their own sharing and can figure out how to communicate better and more often. A book that helps with this is Getting Together and Staying Together.

It's hard to get others to share when you're blasting them about everything. So it's counterintuitive at first, but we can share more if we don't approach it with anger.

You can try an approach like, "It would be easier for me to listen to your concerns if you weren't shouting and condescending all the time. Why should I care what you think if you're going to deliver your thoughts in such a thoughtless manner. Nobody cares what you think when you're yelling."

A very helpful technique is tabling the conversation until he's calm again. Let him know you want to hear what he has to say but not when eh's angry. This can help him start to trust you more by ensuring he will be heard. The most important thing is to come back to the conversation. So if he raises his voice or is sarcastic, talking down to you, say, "You're agitated right now so let's table this conversation until after lunch." Or after dinner, tomorrow, whatever tie frame seems reasonable based on how angry he is. The angrier he gets during a conversation the more time he will need. But it also means you guys may need multiple breaks and continuations to get through difficult conversations. But be confident that you can get through anything by stopping and starting in this manner. Whether it's about the laundry or about much more difficult topics, you can stop and start as many times as needed. He will develop more confidence in it if he sees the conversations being picked up again and moving forward without the anger. It's the content of the discussion that's important. All you're asking is for him to leave the anger out of it so you don't have to be exhausted by his strong negativity all the time. And when he loses it and can't contain himself, you can remove yourself from the discussion. We'll take about this more when you've had time to cool off. Not judging or accusing, just a matter of business. We conduct ourselves in a mutually respectful manner when we talk. That's the expectation.

> blame me for some slight from years ago. He uses the past as ammo all the time.

This is unfortunately common too. But you can try to assert that bringing up old, unrelated events doesn't help fix what you are dealing with in that moment. You can say, "That has nothing to do with what is happening right now. If you'd like to talk about what's happening right now, we can discuss it, but dredging up everything you've ever felt slighted about doesn't help have a rational discussion about what's bothering you right now. It just gets you more worked up." Hope some of these things help and I'm sorry your dealing with his anger all the time. But you're a great partner for trying to help figure out how to make it better. I hope he can wake up and recognize the care and consideration involved in your efforts. Hang in there.

Thank you.
Source: Did this wrong for 30 years, struggled with it, went to one therapist for 7 years, got better at it bit by bit, am now in super healthy marriage with top notch communication.

Couple books you may eventually want to read if you're into this kind of stuff:
https://www.amazon.com/Intimacy-Desire-Awaken-Passion-Relationship/dp/0825305675

It basically describes that being able to be differentiated rather than merged our partners and how to communicate through changes in the relationship. Current best theory IMHO.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=the+five+love+languages&qid=1582943913&s=books&sr=1-3

Explains that people are literally different in what they get satisfaction from, so you do't get what you want by doing it for them and expecting they catch on, but instead telling each other what you want so you actually know, and accepting that we are different and finding compromises that meet both peoples needs without killing each other.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Games_People_Play_(book)

This is from the 60's so it's totally dated, but it's basically a catalog of dysfunctional patterns.

• The Tao Te Ching of Lao Tzu
• I Ching
• The Art of War by Sun Tzu
• The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli
• As a Man Thinketh by James Allen
• Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill
• How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
• How to Lie with Statistics by Darrell Huff
• The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

If you want books about how to argue well, I'd recommend:

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Apology Languages/ When Sorry Isn't Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage

Boundaries in Marriage

Love Languages is to learn how to express and receive affection effectively. Apology Languages is to learn how to apologize and communicate effectively. Boundaries (the whole series) is to learn how to create a healthy environment for both people. Lasting Promise is to learn how to fight well.

I was also personally inspired by Lasting Love: How to Avoid Marital Failure, which talks about the biblical foundation for marriage.

For more 'corporate' and 'adult' sensibilities, Emotional Intelligence 2.0: https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-2-0-Travis-Bradberry/dp/0974320625

For more psycho-clinical language and themes, but is kind of more for "dating" and partner-seeking, but it has communication detail in it based on "attachment styles" -- Attached: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=attached&qid=1608056058&s=books&sr=1-1

This one is a classic... the love languages --- how we communicate and express and receive love... The 5 Love Languages: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=love+languages&qid=1608056097&s=books&sr=1-1

This one is a little prescriptive and cheesy, but has effective inter-relational things in it, based on this therapists experience with couples that fail vs succeed -- The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=john+gottman&qid=1608056135&s=books&sr=1-3

> Before you guys make any comments blaming me about not caring for him and that’s why he said that, etc. I would like to make it clear, that if I truly truly did not care about him nor love him, I would not have married him.

Different love languages. Just being with someone doesn't mean they feel like you want to be with them. Many people are with someone "just because".

> He had also mentioned that girls from his past cared more about him than I do. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but Idk you guys, considering his tone of voice when he said that and I’m general, how he said it - it just really made me feel shitty and truly sad. Not because I don’t care about him, but because I do - and he doesn’t see that.

That is because your love languages are different and you're (probably him not either) are filling each other love meters.

​

> I honestly don’t know how to feel about everything. Because 1) he never acknowledges the fact that he has hurt me in the past - it’s always I hurt him but never he hurt me, 2)Literally everything that happened in our past, according to him, is MY FAULT. I’m literally always apologizing for how he makes me feel instead of him apologizing for what he did to make me feel any type of way.
>
> Like I said. He doesn’t ever see where he’s wrong and never holds himself accountable for his own actions. Instead, it’s always 1) my actions drove his actions (so again, my fault), or 2) he was completely drunk and unaware/don’t remember anything so it’s not fair for me to say that his drunk actions were harmful.
>
>Anyways, I’m just unsure of how to even resolve anything now because how do I? He asked me what was wrong and when I told him, he turned it around and blamed me for being self-centered and inconsiderate. I honestly don’t want to keep apologizing for how His actions made me feel but I’m also just tired of trying to make him understand me only for him to turn it around to blame me for not understanding him.
>
>It doesn’t make sense to me.. if it is me, what am I doing wrong?

It seems like you both don't hold each other accountable individually. You mentioned how he felt, yet you dismissed it. You said you do enough, by being with him. He told you that isn't enough. He says it's not his love language and he doesn't feel loved. Both of you don't acknowledge the past and what you can do.

How to fix it?

It's easy. Different love languages. Both hurt by past events that were not resolved. Having issues communicating. Couples counseling. There are also books.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Your issues are not uncommon.