The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love

Alright here's my experience, apologies if it's a lot of nonsense

We share a 2 bedroom apartment, which in my home city our rent is pretty good compared to current market value. We are on month-to-month so we could have moved out if we wanted, when we broke up we decided to keep the place, in part because of rent sharing, and second because it's a really good place.

It was pretty easy going until the pandemic lock downs started, forcing us both to stay home. But we had established boundaries, and often share cooking meals, help each other with chores, and we still spend time together watching movies or playing games (video or board).

One of the challenges will be whenever one of us actually leaves. We bought a lot of things together; a nice TV, the couch, the bed she uses, some of the game consoles and so on. Eventually one will have to buy what they want off the other.

If you don't have a second bedroom you're going to have some difficulties. One of you may have to take the living room or other common space as their bedroom and set up some kind of privacy barriers.

In a way, you're in a form of non-monogamous relationship now and it might be a good idea for each of you to do some reading on the subject. This book is pretty good though it probably covers a lot more then needed in your context.

Here's what has helped us maintain our friendship:

• Set boundaries
• Respect those boundaries
• Be kind
• Help with chores
• Make meals together
• Hang out and have fun
• Take some alone time when you need it
• Be encouraging when looking for people to date; reviewing each others online dating profile can be a fun exercise and a real confidence booster :)
• Invest in a good pair of headphones.

Hope this helps, feel free to DM if you'd like some more details on anything.

The Ethical Slut: Our beliefs. Traduko prova. Bonvolu helpu plibonigi ĝin.

Saluton al ĉiuj kaj dankon por legi.

Ĉi tie estas provtraduko de teksto ke ni amas. Sed ni estas komencantoj kaj la nuancoj estas tre gravaj.

Ekzemple: En la titolo, kiel traduki citi "Slut" ?
Putino, Inaĉo, Ulinaĉo, Fiulo, Fiulino, Negliĝulino, Fivirino, Malĉastulino, Ĉiesulino…?
Kiel vi emas traduki tiun? Kial?

Ĉi tie estas la GugloDok Ligo por direkte komenti ĝin.

The Ethical Slut (Aĉetu ĝin ĉi tie)
La etika fiulino

Dossie Easton kaj Janet Hardy

​

>We are ethical people, ethical sluts. It is very important to us to treat people well, and to do our best not to hurt anyone. Our ethics comes from our own sense of rightness and from the empathy and love we hold for those around us. It is not okay to hurt another person because then we hurt too. And we don't feel good about ourselves.

Ni estas etikaj homoj, etikaj fiulinoj. Tre gravas al ni zorgi bone pri homoj, kaj plej bone konduti por ne dolorigi iun. Nia etiko venas de nia propra sento de praveco kaj de kunsentemo kaj amo, kiujn ni sentas por tiuj ĉirkaŭ ni. Ne estas konsentite dolorigi alian homon, ĉar ankaŭ ni doloriĝas nin. Kaj ni ne memsentas bone.

>Ethical slutdom can be challenging path: we don't have a polyamorous Miss Manners telling us how to do our thing courteously and respectfully, so we have to make it up as we go along. However, we are sure you have figured out by now that to us, being a slut doesn't mean simply doing whatever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want.

Etika fiulinujo povas esti defia vojo. Ne ni havas plurameman Sinjorinon Kondutojn kiu diras al ni kiel fari niajn aferojn komplezeme kaj respekteme, do ni devas elpensi ĝin dum ni iros. Tamen, ni certas ke vi komprenis nun ke por ni, esti fiulinoj ne signifas simple fari kio ajn ke vi volas, kiam vi volas, kun kiu vi volas.

>Most of our criteria for ethics are quite pragmatic. Is anyone being harmed? Is there any way to avoid causing that harm? Are there any risks? Is everybody involved aware of those risks and doing what can be done to minimize them?

La plejparto de niaj kriterioj pri etiko estas sufiĉe pragmata. Ĉu iu estas ekdamaĝanta? Ĉu estas iel por eviti kaŭzi tiun damaĝon? Ĉu estas riskoj? Ĉu ĉiu el la koncernaj homoj konscias tiujn riskojn kaj estas faranta tion kio povas fari por minimumigi ilin?

>On the positive side; How much fun is this? What is everybody learning from it? Is it helping someone to grow? Is it helping make the world a better place?

En la bona flanko; Kiel plezuriga estas ĝi? Kio ĉiu estas lernanta el ĝi? Ĉu ĝi estas helpanta iun kreskiĝi? Ĉu ĝi estas helpanta plibonigi la mondon?

>First and foremost, ethical sluts value consent. When we use this word-and we will, often, throughout this book-we mean an active collaboration for the benefit, well-being, and pleasure of all persons concerned. If someone is being coerced, bullied, blackmailed, manipulated, lied to, or ignored, what is happening is not consensual. And sex that is not consensual is not ethical-period.

Unuavice, fiulinoj etikaj estimas konsenton. Kiam ni uzas ĉi tiun vorton, signifas agema kunlaborado por la avantaĝo, bonfarto, kaj plezuro de ĉiu el la koncernaj homoj. Se iu estas trudita, brutalita, ĉantaĝita, manipulita, mensogita aŭ ignorita, kio okazas ne estas konsenta. Kaj sekso kiu ne estas konsenta, ja ne estas etika, fina punkto.

>Ethical sluts are honest-with ourselves and others. We take time with ourselves to figure out our own emotions and motivations and to untangle them for greater clarity when necessary. Then we openly share that information with those who need it. We do our best not to let our fears and bashfulness be an obstacle to our honestly- we trust that our partners will go on respecting and loving us, warts and all.

Etikaj fiulinoj estas honestaj kun si mem kaj aliaj. Ni prenas tempon kun ni mem por kompreni niajn proprajn emociojn kaj motivojn, kaj malkaosi ilin por pliklarigi laŭbezone. Poste ni tutkore partumas tiujn informojn kun tiuj kiuj bezonas ĝin. Ni faras nian plejeblon por ne rajtigi niajn timojn kaj sinĝenojn malhelpi nian honestecon, ni fidas ke niaj koramikoj plu respektos kaj plu amos nin, verukoj kaj ĉio.

>Ethical sluts recognize the ramifications of our sexual choices. We see that our emotions, our upbringing, and the standards of our culture often conflict with our sexual desires. And we make a conscious commitment to supporting ourselves and our partners as we deal with those conflicts honestly and honorably.

Etikaj fiulinoj agnoskas la sekvojn de niaj sekselektoj. Ni rimarkas ke niaj emocioj, nia edukado, kaj la modeloj de nia kulturo ofte konfliktas kun niaj seksdeziroj. Kaj ni konscie sindevontigas asisti nin mem kaj niajn koramikojn dum ni traktas tiujn konfliktojn honeste kaj honore.

>We do not allow our sexual choices to have an unnecessary impact on those who have not consented to participate. We are respectful of others' feelings, and when we aren't sure how someone feels, we ask.

Niajn sekselektojn ni ne rajtigas havi nenecesan efikon pri tiuj kiujn ne konsentis partopreni. Ni respektas aliulajn sentojn, kaj kiam ni ne certas kiel iu sentas, ni demandas.

>Ethical sluts recognize the difference between things they can and should control, and things they can't. While we sometimes may feel jealous or territorial, we own those feelings, doing our best not to blame or control, but asking for the support we need to help ourselves feel safe and cared for.

Etikaj fiulinoj agnoskas la diferencon inter aferoj kiujn ili povas aŭ devas regi, kaj aferoj kiujn ne povas. Dum ni iam povas senti ĵaluze aŭ teritorie, ni proprigas tiujn sentojn, faras nian plejeblon por ne kulpigas aŭ ne regas, sed petas la asisto kiun ni bezonas por helpi nin mem senti sekure kaj zorgite.

My wife and I leaned on The Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy. It seems to take the opposite approach in that your partners feelings matter a great deal, it is finding a way to convey feeling with out using confrontational or vilifying accusations. I am sorry your relationship went the way it did, Good luck on moving forward.

Here's a very good book about open relationships, the communication skills needed to navigate them, and advice on navigating them as parents, and busy professionals.

The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399579664/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_-0OvEbP271EKS

Your situation is not unusual, and I do think there is a way forward.

A couple of thoughts:

First: You BOTH need to read The Ethical Slut. There are plenty of books about non-monogamy out there, and this is hardly the definitive text (and there are some things worth critiquing), but this book is comprehensive, compassionate, and sensitively written. It will absolutely open up some important discussions between you and your partner and force you to think about things you might be avoiding. And pertaining to your request for practical explanations, this book give various exercises that you can do to work through some of the things as you prepare to explore non-monogamy.

Okay, onward.

Rules that involve one partner not developing feelings for their other partners are destined to fail. I think my first suggestion would be to avoid making rules or boundaries that are extremely likely to be breached, or which could lead to deception or secrets. You do not want to create a situation where a boundary like "no feelings" becomes a way that to hurt each other when one or both of you inevitably develop feelings for another partner. You've just found a way to smuggle "infidelity" of a sort into your non-monogamy, and that's not ideal. I think you need to challenge this boundary by asking: what is the threat that is posed by "feelings" for your other partners? Is it really a threat? Are we being too rigid or possessive, too narrow-minded or perhaps doubtful of our ability to love and be loved by multiple people?

You and your partner need to open up a conversation about jealousy right now. Talk honestly about current jealousy. Talk about what might make each of you feel jealous. Be vulnerable about it with each other. Being able to manage jealousy is going to be critical as you explore non-monogamy and talking about it with each other is essential to that management.

On the topic of jealousy, jealousy comes from a "tragedy of the commons" type of mindset that is common in relationships. That is, love (or eroticism, or attraction, or whatever it is we might be talking about) is a finite resource, and I need to work hard to keep those resources to myself, and if my partner has feelings for another person, those are feelings/love that are being denied to me.

The thing is, we would never say this about almost any other relationship. Many of us have multiple friends we love dearly, and having a new friend enter the picture doesn't mean we are less capable of loving those other friends. If you are a parent, having a second child doesn't mean you are any less capable of loving the first as much as before. There's no reason our romantic/intimate relationships should be any different.

(obviously time and energy are finite, and that requires management, but love, eroticism, etc, are not precisely and completely bound to time and energy).

Having other romantic/erotic partners, and devoting time and energy to those various partners, can actually take pressure off our other partners. No single person can offer us all of what we need, and it's a lot of pressure to shoehorn someone into that. You might find that your primary relationship (if that's the language you want to use) is enhanced by having other partners to fill in your intellectual, emotional, erotic, etc. needs. You might find your relationship with your primary partner is better because it only needs to be what it is, rather than be everything to you. You can appreciate it and maximize the experience of what that relationship offers rather than spending time and energy extracting something from it that it can't easily offer (or coping with the absence of that thing from your life).

There are lots of strategies that you can employ together to reduce the occurrence of jealousy altogether, but jealousy is inevitable, and being able to have strategies to cope with it when it happens is critical.

I also strongly advocate for symmetry of outcomes (not symmetry of rules). This is one way to help manage jealousy. All partners should be able to seek the outcomes they desire, which often means the boundaries applied to each partner are the same, though not necessarily. For example, if your partner limits you to one-nighters (I don't agree with that rule, but let's roll with it), then that rule applies to your partner too. On the symmetry of outcomes but not rules front, let's take a hypothetical: If you have a person that is already close to you that you'd like to partner with, but your partner doesn't have a person like that in their lives, perhaps allowing the use of dating apps or other things like that to give your partner an opportunity to meet other people – something you don't necessarily need, at least not at this moment – might be a way to allow them to take control of their own situation. That's a "rule" or boundary that, at least right now, isn't relevant to you, but opens the door for your partner to have similar opportunities that you have.

Altogether, I'd say, take baby steps. Start talking to each other about hypothetical relationships. Start talking about your needs, your vision. Have discussions, even disagreements or arguments now, about hypothetical situations, so you can iron out your initial boundaries right now, rather than when other people are involved.

And (not nearly) finally, remember that boundary-making is a process. They will continually be re-assessed. Start with broad strokes. Start negotiating them before you open things up. Revisit them regularly. As you go along and as new relationships form, you'll invariably find yourself making more logistical boundaries (No dates on weekends/dates every other weekend/maximum one date per week), or refining things (okay, I now think that kissing other partners on the lips is OK/NOT OK; I understand that you have a partner interested in this riskier sex practice but I am not okay with that/I am okay with that; I actually do/do not want to meet your partners/you meet my partners). Perhaps, in the end, this whole thing isn't for you and you pull back into a monogamous relationship, knowing that that is legitimately what you're comfortable with, not simply because it's (unfortunately) society's default, but because you've sampled the flavours and you know it's your favourite.

Good luck, communicate, and READ THAT BOOK.

I think /r/CuckoldPsychology might be a good place for this.

Also this book might be helpful

Meh. I get downvoted on at least 1 AITA comment every week. It's whatever.

If anyone is interested in learning more about ethical non-monogamy/polyamory, The Ethical Slut is a great place to start. Plus it's just a fun read in general.

I've heard a lot of good things about Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. It's more about alternative relationships than kink specifically.

I have the third edition (which was updated to fit with more modern ideas of sexuality and gender). I was only able to get through 1/3 of it before I got swamped with work. But now that I have time again, I fully intend to pick it back up.

Also I want to second Becoming a Kink Aware Therapist by Caroline Shahbaz. I do like how it talks about/looks at healthy kink.

My partner and I both read the following book and went from there:

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Third-Practical-Relationships/dp/0399579664

Sounds like you have a lot to learn.

This book is a great place to start!

The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399579664/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fabt1_s7aRFbC9V48WX

Welcome to /r/PolyamoryR4R. This is an ethical and respectful community.

Here are some resources you might find helpful in creating and keeping healthy, ethical poly relationships:

Books: More than Two, and The Ethical Slut.

Podcasts: Polyweekly.com, and Multiamory.com.

Websites: MoreThanTwo.com

Subreddits: /r/Polyamory

We take a hard stance against unicorn hunting.

Couples looking for a unicorn will often say they want someone to "join" their family. Poly triads are not (AB)+C. C isn't "joining" anything. You all will create something completely new; four different relationships that all need time and attention. A+B (as with any major life change, your relationship dynamic will probably shift), B+C, A+C, and A+B+C. Imposing unethical, unfair dynamics on a partner may lead to your removal from this subreddit.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Just wanted to say that you are a great partner for being willing to open your mind (and your relationship) to new possibilities. I have been poly minded for many years, and I still feel /have some minor apprehension when my primary has a deep connection (friendship + more) with another person. I am in a similar boat as you in some ways: wanting to be a great supportive partner to my primary, but perhaps I have come to be at more "peace" and managed my insecurities by practicing good communication and being vulnerable.

​

If your partner reciprocates your deep love and kindness towards them, I see no reason why they would not want to take more of your thoughts and worries into consideration. There might be a space between fully poly and fully mono that might work better in your case.

If not already in your shelf, I'd recommend ethical slut as well as More Than Two as resources to help you process things more and seek some standard best practices for how to communicate in these tough situations (in addition to sharing things on this forum). Good luck! And please feel free to DM if you need to talk more.

There are also plenty of books out there that deal with BDSM centered content. Many are available online if discretion is an issue.

Our club library used to have 60K plus publication on various topics. Some excellent ones to start with are:

S&M 101 by Jay Wisemans Link to amazon

Screw the Roses, Give me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon Link to amazon

The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton Link to amazon

Domination and Submission by Michael Makai Link to amazon

Hey, /u/thespookylifechoseme! Welcome to polyamory.

Multiamory podcast often get a plug in this sub because they're pretty phenomenal. Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory, Ethical Slut, and Opening Up all get frequent recommendations around here. Since you've already read TES, either of the two other books would be a good follow up if you want more intro material.

I myself write a daily advice column called Tea Time with Tomato that you might wanna take a gander at to see what other poly/non-mono newbies are struggling with. One of the posters in /r/polyamory also writes Non-Monogamy Help which is a weekly advice column on Medium. That is also worth a read as well.

Also:

• http://cuckoldmarriage.info

Books:

• The Ethical Slut
• Opening Up

Podcasts:

• Keys and Anklets
• Multiamory
• Savage Lovecast