You're not a shit head. STOP insulting yourself. It is and was not your fault that you didn't know any better. It was your upbringing that left you unprepared for sex, relationships and consent.

You trusted and believed and that's not a fault or a problem. He's the problem. He took advantage and abused you. You need to heal and overcome.

Here's a few resources that have helped me and might help you.

• Running On Empty by Jonice Webb (and its sequel)

Amazing books that really help dig deep, gives you easy do's and don'ts for developing healthy coping skills, healthy habits. Etc. Really worth the read. The reason I HIGHLY recommend these is because they focus on emotional neglect which is often (and understandably) overlooked in favor of more visible issues such as physical /emotional abuse. However emotional neglect can be just as harmful as any other form of abuse and Dr. Webb Really helps you understand how to improve your emotional health and heal from your past.

• Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

> a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men - uses his knowledge about how abusers think to help women recognize when they are being controlled or devalued, and to find ways to get free of an abusive relationship.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

> Pete is a "general practitioner" who specializes in helping adults recovering from growing up in traumatizing families, especially those whose repeated exposure to childhood abuse and/or neglect left them with symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder [Cptsd]. He has a great deal of recovery from his own Cptsd, and his professional approach is highly enriched by his own 40 year journey of recovering. 

• The Body Keeps the Score By: Bessel van der Kolk

Focuses on healing from trauma and abuse. I've only started it, but it is promising and comes highly recommended.

• Will I Ever be Good Enough? Specifically aimed at daughters of narcissistic mothers. Helps with coping, setting boundaries and healing!

• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

Very good to open up, name things. I didn't personally resonate with this one as much but I totally see the merits of it and touches on many topics. - [In Love While Parenting App] (https://appgrooves.com/app/in-love-while-parenting-couples-app-by-hjb-ventures-llc)

This amazing little app is available for free on Apple and Google. While it is aimed at people who are parenting and in a relationship the facts and guides it shares are extremely useful in helping you build stronger relationships and emotional bonds with those around you. It has short videos and is easy to use just a few minutes a day.

And when you're ready to explore sex again

• Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

exploration of why and how women's sexuality works--based on groundbreaking research and brain science--that will radically transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and joy

• She Comes First by Ian Kerner >Every man’s must-read. Tell your guy to put down the remote and pick up She Comes First.”—Cosmopolitan Ian Kerner offers a radical new philosophy for pleasuring women in She Comes First—an essential guidebook to oral sex 

• He Comes Next by Ian Kerner >In this point-by-point, "blow-by-blow" guide, Kerner makes giving as much fun as receiving as he covers every angle of male sexuality, unlocks the secrets of satisfaction, and offers knowledgeable answers to the questions every woman wonders about. His advice is the closest you'll ever come to waking up in a guy's skin and knowing what truly makes him sexually tick.

Use Your library and get em free!

Most of these are available via The Libby App By Overdrive let's you use your library card to check out e-books and audio books! FREE!

You can listen/read on your phone or use the Kindle (app or e reader) to download them there. Very useful and handy!

Also used older generation kindles with the e ink displays are available relatively cheap online- I got mine for around $40 bucks!

Therapy

All lf these are a good supplement (or prelude) but not a replacement for therapy. Whenever you're ready and able to get therapy, get therapy. A good therapist can really give you personalized guidance.

Don't be afraid to shop around for the right fit. If you're having trouble finding the right therapist learning some vocabulary /what issues apply to you- so you can advocate for yourself more effectively with your therapist/when finding other resources.

Things to remember on your journey of self growth

• Progress isn't linear

• Mistakes are normal and they do NOT erase your progress.

• Be gentle with yourself, you cannot shame your way into improving

• Don't try to change every single thing at once. True lasting change is done incrementally over time.

• Take breaks- and give yourself time to process!

• Naming your emotions gives you power over them

• Self Care is a must! It comes in many forms and what works for me may not work for you! Exploration is key.

• Someone else's abusive/neglectful behavior does not reflect your worth or value.

YOU CAN DO THIS

Break The Cycle

I’ve found Pete Walker’s book very helpful in understanding what’s going on with me and how to feel more peaceful about it. It’s relatively cheap on Amazon.

YES, I still sometimes do this too, at age 44! You are not alone. I second therapy and anything from Pete Walker - this book in particular was very helpful to me:

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

I work in the very cis/straight male-dominated field of firefighting and I have to remind myself CONSTANTLY to not fawn. I forget most often when I am stressed or on the spot. It is a very purposeful thing that I have to concentrate on. That said, I have wanted to be careful not to go too far the other way; I am not and will never be a straight or cis dude and I don’t want to go around parroting behaviors that are not actually me, if that makes any sense. So lately I’m striving to find an in between that feels genuine, where I’m not falling all over myself apologizing but also not dude-bruh-ing everywhere I go.

Recommendation: "CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving"

Hey everyone, I've been on my healing journey for just shy of a full year. I read "The Body Keeps the Score" at the recommendation of a few people and while it was very informative, it ultimately wasn't too helpful. Don't get me wrong, it was enormously validating and very interesting but it was written by a researcher. The tone is very clinical and somewhat distant. I was left feeling like "Okay, now what?"

Fast forward through months of therapy and progress and I'm finally getting around to the second book I bought: "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving". This book is phenomenal. I cannot stress this enough. The first ten pages of From Surviving to Thriving were more relevant and more validating than the entirety of The Body Keeps The Score.

Okay I've made a really tall claim, so why?

This book has ZERO fluff. It jumps right in and assumes that if you found this book, you know what CPTSD, you believe it's real, and you want help with it. Other resources spend a lot of time preaching to a more generic audience, just trying to convince them that it's real, sell them on the idea, and provide a lot of framework. Not so with this book. You jump right in.

Speaking of zero fluff, it doesn't pull any punches. If I weren't so far along my journey in healing, I probably would have felt triggered by the book. It talks very frankly and bluntly about things like sexual assault, childhood trauma, fear, pain, and all those terrible things we're familiar with. Other resources, such as Body Keeps the Score, put everything in somewhat soft, generic, clinical terms without ever getting in touch with the visceral experience. This is because the author of this book is himself a survivor. He's one of us and he talks directly to us.

I shared this book with a friend of mine who's also struggling with trauma and she was still skeptical about CPTSD (she favors just calling it trauma, which is perfectly fine). So she asked to flip through it and she's like "Well, this isn't triggering but it all definitely resonates".

I haven't even finished it yet but I can already say that it's a helluva resource and wanted to recommend it to EVERYONE.

Also, it has a score of 4.8 out of 5 on Amazon, so that tells you something. Here's the link: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_3?crid=AMW9MI5FXVJ2

C-PTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker and Homecoming by John Bradshaw.

🙏💜🙏

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_GnXwFb2TVW7TH

I dated 2 quite BPD girls, the first one was cheating on her boyfriend of 5 years and I was her new supply, at the time I didn't know what bpd is and I felt superiority fucking another guy over, she left him for me but I hated her guts and I hated myself and I am still dealing with the guilt since then. The second bpd girl was "single" when I met her, she cheated on me after six months of dating her and I felt it's karma, what I did to the boyfriend happened to me and now I know how he felt. I totally deserve this shit.

You really have to find an internal source of validation, that's the solution to all of our problems actually.

I recommend you this book: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

It's a very interesting read and it will help you understand where this shit is coming from in the first place

Try Pete Walker's book

It's the best resource I've come across for stuff like this.

Most of your bullet points remind me of how I was. I remember trying to explain to a girlfriend that I was "like sand" and it was really easy for my own life and identity to blow away the moment someone else was involved. I also didn't have the self awareness and desire to seek help and improve that you do, so I think you're gonna do great.

The biggest change for me came from reading this book (I was turned off by the heavy sounding title but it turned out to be extremely relevant). It just laid bare the mental patterns I'd get stuck in, showed me where they came from and how to stop them, and even just recognizing this unlocked a cascade of self compassion and re-parenting that has drastically improved the quality of my relationships since then. I cannot recommend it enough. I think a lot of people were raised in environments that were, at the very least, emotionally less-than-nurturing, and that often when you have someone with relational issues there is an unmet childhood need at the core of it.

I hope I'm not too forward, watching Teal Swan's videos has often given me guidance, like this one: Self-trust vs Independence.

And to any RBN survivor, I recommend book Complex PTSD: From Survivng To Thriving, if you haven't read it before. It changed my life, and life of several other people I know.

I know it's hard and it even looks impossible, but change for the better is absolutely possible.

I hear you about the difficulties with finding a good therapist that is affordable, with the community resources. I have familiarity with university based training clinics, which typically don’t take Medicaid but may offer sliding scale fees for therapy that are way more affordable. The downside is that you are working with student clinicians supervised by licensed psychologists, so they may take a little longer to adjust to working with. If you have any universities in your state, perhaps they have such a training clinic and could offer telehealth services.

I am not a licensed psychologist yet, but I have some knowledge of dissociation and can suggest looking into complex PTSD, which is a condition that features dissociation and a lot of the symptoms traditionally associated with borderline personality disorder (but is not the same thing). Complex PTSD involves more impairment than PTSD, such as avoidance of relationships or persistently negative self esteem. If you want, this book: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842, has been recommended to me as an excellent “self-help” resource for people with such symptoms. Dissociation is something definitely addressed in the book. Although a great therapist would be ideal and I hope you continue looking for someone, I bet you might find a lot of useful skills to coping with dissociation or unwanted thoughts. You are not alone in having dissociation or the unwanted thoughts that you described in the original post. I wish you all the best and feel free to PM me if you would like more info on anything I mentioned.

Open communication is really important. I have the problem where I'm so independent I don't want to be vulnerable or rely on my partner for anything. Then I crave attention after acting distant due to my over-self-reliance if that makes sense. It's hard to communicate this for me... but just trying to explain myself helps.

One thing that I've been doing for my partner to better understand things I can't accurately or 100% explain - I highlight relevant passages from this book with a marker & then have sessions where I go through them with her.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma

I have also brought my partner to a therapy session to help understand. In an effort to not put more burden on them I have a good friend group who I rely on as well when I can.

Might I also suggest adding Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker to your list?

I've read a number of books as I've worked through this and that one has been invaluable in really understanding what's going on with practical ways to move forward and cope.

You might have cptsd. Check out this book. It’s been useful for me and might be useful for you too.

I’m not a specialist, but what you’ve shared feels like a very understandable reaction to what you’ve survived. Hang in there!

I’ve found this book to be really helpful in this leg of my journey—hope you might find it to be illuminating:

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

Complex-PTSD is my diagnosis from an abusive home. It might be a better option. I highly recommend r/CPTSD and Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.

As far as being closed off, maybe try asking your partner to help guide you to being more open? Like have her ask questions about your life. I don't know if that would help, but it sounds like it would be really nice.

I think today is going to be a 'sit around and read' day. I picked up Complex PTSD by Pete Walker, mostly because I've been lurking in r/CPTSD and found it very relatable. I reached out to a therapist yesterday and am waiting to hear back. Trying to stop MADD has brought up a lot of internal stuff for me, which is good because it obviously needs to be dealt with, but has also left me feeling a bit lost and aimless. So hopefully I'll find a good therapist who can help set me in the direction that I need to be going.

So for right now I'm not aiming to stop MADD because since attempting that a lot of my other coping mechanisms (which, believe it or not, are even less healthy than MADD) have popped up, and I don't want to spiral into those. I'm in a bit of a holding pattern right now, and I'm OK with that. I'm hoping that if I start dealing with everything underneath my bad coping behaviours, the behaviours themselves will be a lot easier to deal with.

Hear you. It's really hard to live with these people and they can make you question your own sanity or that you are the abuser.

I have a covert narcissist mother and she was pretty similar to your mom (with perhaps less chaotic interactions). I couldn't wait to be 18 so I could move out. When I eventually did my life was still haunted by anxiety and depression. It took me years to find out I had developed complex post-traumatic disorder. I went no contact with her 6 years ago and my life has got a lot better on that regard.

If you are over 18, do your best to get out of the house, even if you don't get the best job or apartment around the block. If you are under 18, start to plan how to get out of the house and live on your own. When out, go low contact with your mother and no contact when you feel ready.

I wish I had found this book when I was younger since it explains what exactly went wrong with how I was raised and where to go next. I'm not sure do you have this same disorder but thought about recommending it since it's gonna be a goddamn helpful book if you do.

While you are welcome to this sub there's also /r/raisedbyborderlines, you might find it's easier to find people who can relate to your situation better (as most of us here are exs of borderlines).

Another option besides therapy are books. I have managed to overcome most of my C-PTSD (or at least understand myself now) with this book as well as therapy, exercise, healthy diet, etc...it takes a village! Good luck and PM me if you seriously have more questions. I have tons of personal experiences, resources and really believe in advocating for people trying to make good choices because I was one of them :)

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

Realistically, the only option you have open is to start self treating (which is a good idea anyway with PTSD in my opinion, because it generally doesn't "just" go away, even with treatment).

So you have to start training yourself to become an expert, read a couple of books on it, start talking to other people doing the same thing (you should be able to find them here: /r/PTSD)

This book is highly rated

You’re going to need to borrow someone else’s prefrontal cortex for a while while you work on strengthening your own. If your parents can’t be there for you, you need to find someone who can. Google sliding scale therapy in your city. Go meet therapists until you find one you feel comfortable with and you can afford. Show up every week and do as much of the work as you can.

Read this book: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_.s8hEbR4K9RWA

I also went through a bout of trying to self diagnose just to get a grip on what I was experiencing. And I too thought bipolar might fit my symptoms, (I even have a family history of it) but when I went to a psychiatrist they said it was psychological and that I should see a therapist. Mind I'm not saying you don't have bipolar or anything, just that it's something that should be professionally diagnosed.

We can't really diagnose you here, but it wouldn't hurt to check out Complex PTSD given that you've had so many adverse experiences. Pete Walker's book on the topic is amazingly helpful.

Some on here were saying that CBT isn't all that helpful for trauma, so you might want to find a therapist who specialises in it. EMDR, Somatic and Internal Family Systems are a few therapies that are more suited. But if you do think you have something neurological/biological going on it would be worth being professionally assessed. Something like bipolar disorder does require treatment as it can get worse left untreated.

Oh gosh, yes! The cptsd community is a supportive group, I highly recommend it. Very validating to read about others’ experiences and safe to share your own if you feel comfortable doing so.

If you haven’t read Pete Walker yet, I’d start there.

>many more people in this country are fundamentally psychologically unwell, than I ever would have considered possible before 😕

I'm just about finished reading Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker and let me tell you that even though I read it initially to work through my own traumas of childhood neglect, I think it's a much more insidious and widespread problem in this country than many would ever think to believe. CPTSD presents in very different ways depending heavily on the individual who has it. Walker even mentions a joke in the psychologist community "If CPTSD was given the respect it was due, the DSMV would go from being the size of a book to the size of a pamphlet." Many people with CPTSD are misdiagnosed with other afflictions such as bipolar, BPD, depression, anxiety, just to name a few.

I look back at my own case of pure emotional neglect - no physical neglect or physical or emotional abuse in my history - and how badly it affected me. And many people would (and have) give me a plethora of reasons why I "wasn't actually neglected' because my parents did the bare minimum of feeding, housing, clothing, and educating me. What I've learned and struggled for many years to accept is that for a child the bare minimum is not enough.

When the child has extraneous needs or wants that the parents cannot or refuse to fulfil - such as the need to cry or anger in too many families - the child's brain being too inexperienced in relational fairness and too powerless to truly stand up to their parents to force change is left with no choice but to blame themselves regardless of the fact that the child isn't to blame. This happens unconsciously over a long period of time. It arrests development tremendously until this pain can be worked through, often decades later if ever.

I believe we have a trauma epidemic and that most people - knowingly or otherwise - suffer the effects of CPTSD and I've begun to agree that yes, many people in this country are psychologically unwell. But far too many of them will never seek help for it, whether due to the frustrating process of trying to find a good enough therapist or the outrageous costs that many healthcare providers outright won't cover. Another unnervingly large camp will never even know they're traumatized however, and won't seek help because they don't think they need it.

Our social attitude of "boys don't cry and girls don't get angry" is a dangerous and heavily damaging extension of this trauma (not allowing a child, or person for that matter, to safely feel a full, healthy range of emotions is indeed a form of emotional neglect in and of itself) and it leads me to personally believe everyone - whether they think they were abused/neglected or not - should read Walker's book to at least gain an understanding of this much too common but invisible affliction. You may start to notice just how many people present symptoms that you never would have seen or thought of as symptoms before.

There are better ways to live

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/

>To me, BPD is really CPTSD stemming from childhood in its most extreme form. The coping mechanisms learned as a child overextend into every area of life.

Have you read Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker? This is exactly what he says in his book.

I'm convinced that my exwBPD was criminally abused as a little girl by her alcoholic, narcissistic father. Then, when she ran to her mother for help and comfort, her mother (probably) said, "Bad girl! Don't upset your father!"

It's not simply a lack of compassion, it's open contempt and derision. I weep for her lost childhood.

This book changed my life. https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-Recovering-Childhood/dp/1492871842

> I lived with my mum and little brother, my mum was never around so I had to take care of my brother, if she was around, she were pretty abusive ( I don’t want to go into details) so no one to talk to and me trying to escape this shitty reality lead into drug abuse. The last 10 years were pretty dark.

This. Talk about this front to back. Everything. If you can't face it, you'll never overcome it.

Whoever you talk to, you won't know in real life, and doctor patient confidentiality means they can never talk to anyone about it but you. Last, if someone you know comes to them for therapy they recuse themselves from being their therapist to avoid a conflict of interest. They are not there to hurt you or judge you, they are there to help you. Its a black hole of information and you can shout and cry into the void and the act of doing so won't impact anything your friends or family know or think about you.

Here's what got me started:

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

I recommend this book. I have PTSD and it's been a really helpful insight for me. It's easy to read and broken down into simple ideas

Severe neglect can cause CPTSD. Look into it. https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=nodl_ Also, my daughter was treated the same way by doctors. It took years for her to be diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS). I think this is a massive failure in our healthcare system. Good for you to committing to make a change by becoming a doctor!!!

Read Pete Walker’s book, Complex PTSD. 100% your best bet. Its a bible for this sort of thing... critical inner voices, emotional flashbacks and toxic shame.

Check reviews...

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_wrToFbQ8WEPNY

I think you have succeeded in the first step of making any improvement by realising that there is something that can be improved. My partner and I are actually working through our own emotional issues and how they relate to our upbringings through this book about Complex PTSD, but I also found a resource yesterday by a respected psychologist (who has passed away) that may be of help too.

Peter K. Gerlach's work

Your daughter loves you as you are for children are wired to love their parents. You don’t need to be perfect. Just do your best. Good luck to you!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_dt_b_product_details

No, I don't think it was wrong. I said to my own mother "I NEVER WANT TO FUCKING HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT EXCUSE OF A MOTHER" when I went NC with her. I'm sorry to hear you have dealt with the same type of situation.

I weathered less severe (but similar) abuse as you from my own mother and to this day experience symptoms of a complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

I am not a doctor but you might want to look up the disorder because CPTSD is a form of PTSD that tends to develop in repetitive, traumatic experiences that are interpersonal in nature whereas PTSD tends to develop in traumatic events that are one-time events (stuff like car crashes, natural disasters etc). while PTSD doesn't include attachment problems in relationships that are common in CPTSD.

In CPTSD the trauma is often but not always occured in childhood. (In this sense I think that PTSD is a misdiagnosis for even combat veterans as their symptoms reflect more complex PTSD than regular PTSD).

This might come as unwarranted explanation but can save you tons of work in being misdiagnosed and treated with a wrong methods... what comes down to borderline personality disorder (which you don't mention in your text, but it is commonly misdiagnosed with CPTSD and PTSD and you might end up to wonder about it yourself) I believe the most definitive difference between CPTSD vs. BPD is that BPD is a subtype of CPTSD where BPD is really about 1) different main 4F mechanisms implemented against stress/intimacy, in BPD fight/freeze, or quiet version freeze/fight while other mechanisms are used in "vanilla" CPTSD 2) counterdependent attachment style in BPD, co-dependent in CPTSD 3) BPD is a narcissistic-dissociative-neurotic disorder while CPTSD is a neurotic-dissociative disorder. I think all these three things are inherently related and exhaustively explain the diagnostic differences between BPD, CPTSD and PTSD (where PTSD is CPTSD sans attachment disorder).

If you need help this book is rather handy.

I drink as well (I was lately 2.5 years sober but fell back due stress of this Coronavirus on my life & general hopelessness for the sake of humanity).

If you need someone to talk about stuff, feel free to send me a DM.

It wasn't that long ago when I finally figured out that I suffered from C-PTSD and it felt like the world suddenly became clear and I made sense. I'm new to the party but a couple of books that have really helped me are Pete Walker's book, CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving and Bessel Van Der Kolk's book, The Body Keeps the Score.

I'm so happy that you were able to find this group. I know how helpful this group has been to me and I am confident that you will find the same support.

You sound like you have Complex PTSD.

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143127748/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_lZ-tEbXY5GQK8

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_b0-tEb65H5V5T

You also might want to look into ayahuasca, a South American tea with psychedelic healing properties. It is legal, too!

I strongly recommend this book specifically for childhood neglect and trauma: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma.

For me, this helped me understand what I learned to be my "emotional flashbacks" and how to work through them through grieving. The key, for me at least, is to sit and really feel the grief of the childhood you deserved. There are times when I would have emotional flashbacks - which can feel like anxiety attacks - and I wouldn't recognized these episodes as being related to childhood neglect, thus they took me some time to process. It's not always apparent that grief is what you need to feel to get through it.

On emotional processing in general, which I think can indirectly help you deal with childhood neglect, I recommend the book I know I'm in there somewhere by Dr Helene Brenner. While this book doesn't really address neglect and trauma specifically, it does offer a toolkit and exercises that still apply IMO, and it does address some stuff like being raised in an environment where your thoughts, opinions, perceptions, and beliefs are invalidated - which is sort of adjacent to neglect and abuse.

Both these books significantly helped me in a myriad of ways, and I've found I've been able to unlearn so many negative habits and beliefs I had developed from my childhood environment.

I am just a lonely fuck as you are so my advice should be taken with some caveat. But I discovered a thing called childhood ptsd which seems to be my problem. (Feeling of not belonging in this world/ feeling different/ problems with connecting to people) There are a lot of books on amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/-/de/dp/0143127748/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score&qid=1579295388&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/-/de/dp/1492871842/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?keywords=childhood+ptsd&qid=1579295451&sr=8-2

Disinterest and indifference can also come from this.

If you read about Maggie Haney and feel a rush of negative energy coursing through you that the way she talks and treats people sounds like your parent/coach/boss/ex, I want you to know that you are not alone and you don't have to feel the way you feel.

A random person on the Internet can't diagnose you and or your abuser, but I can tell you that you are not alone in going through what you've gone through, and I encourage you to read about Complex PTSD (CPTSD) and see if the symptoms sound like you: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, workaholicness/constantly busy, substance abuse -- experiencing a combination of several of these things can be the result of being close to someone with a personality disorder, and they are not your fault. Despite what the voice in your head says, you are not intrinsically broken, and recovery is possible. It doesn't matter if they never hit you or sexually assaulted you. Verbal abuse is abuse, as is neglect, disdain, and disinterest.

There are some good books on this (Pete Walker's Complex PTSD Surviving to Thriving), blog posts (Pete Walker's blog has most of his book content), as well as support subreddits ( /r/CPTSD, /r/raisedbyborderlines, /r/raisedbynarcissists). EMDR therapy is also so, so helpful for overcoming this kind of experience.

Disclaimer: I am just trying to throw a lifeline to people who need help. I was in the dark for a long time but others don't have to be. Please interpret this as a good-natured intent to do just that. If this message does not apply to you, please scroll on.

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

Yeah, you should read up on narcissistic abuse and on trauma. Alice Miller is great for the former and Pete Walker

if you haven’t already, read this one on cptsd. was revolutionary for me and changed my partners entire attitude when he read the first chapter.

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

and this is the jealousy workbook.

https://www.amazon.com/Jealousy-Workbook-Exercises-Insights-Relationships/dp/0937609633/ref=nodl_

Look into CPTSD. It may explain a lot for you.

Some resources that you may find helpful as you begin:

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving - A Guide and Map for recovering from childhood trauma

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

He is talking about the book 'COMPLEX PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving' by Pete Walker. It is pretty much the most recommended book on CPTSD currently.

The other highly recommended book is 'The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma' by Bessel van der Kolk.

Yeah I'm not a licensed professional but from my personal experience and knowledge you fit the bill for it man. Like, perfectly. Every bit of your symptom list sounds like CPTSD to me. I would recommend reading a couple of books: The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker, From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, and this helpful workbook.

I haven't had the pleasure of reading Pete Walker's work yet but I've heard nothing but good things about it. I think it would be a fantastic place for you to start.

As for diagnoses- I have an official diagnosis for PTSD, but any work I've done with a therapist is under the flag of CPTSD. Just because it isn't in the DSMV doesn't mean it isn't valid, you know? :)

This is a wonderful place for people like us and I know you'll be able to relate a lot to the people here. I'd recommend going through the threads and reading people's stories, experiences, victories, resources, etc. this sub is a treasure trove!

The two I recommend people start with are Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker and The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk.

From there, if you feel like there’s something you want to work on, the best next step would be to find a trauma-informed therapist that you can work with (preferably one with experience working with autistic adults, it that’s not 100 necessary if they are willing to learn). They can be extremely helpful, but if you haven’t worked with a therapist before, know that it can take a couple of tries to find one that you really click with.

Hope that helps!

The two main one's that made the most impact on me were:

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker | Dec 13, 2013 https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=sr_1_1?crid=154QIJC48UTSE&dchild=1&keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score&qid=1596213253&s=books&sprefix=the+body+keeps%2Cstripbooks%2C171&sr=1-1

Also, anything from Brene Brown has been good for me too especially when it comes to vulnerability and toxic shame.

My diagnosis was PTSD along with GAD and SAD. I discovered these books because of what I needed on my journey but I think at least the Pete Walker book is good for anyone because the tools he talks about using could be applied to a lot of different conditions since there are so many overlapping symptoms/causes in mental illnesses.

I'm not a physician, psychiatrist, or counselor but I like to share things with people that have helped me because it is truly earth shattering the difference between the reality I was living in and the one I'm living in now (the latter is MUCH better :) .

Funny thing about dreams, is that dreams can dance you around the bush. But one has to be brave enough to look inside the bush. It takes a lot of courage to discover ambiguous pain and go willfully towards and trough it. I believe this is what shadow work is, look there where you least want to look.

Seems like you are fascinated by shadow and shadow work could be beneficial. A great intro to shadow work by diamond net: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZ90jN2R9n8

I listened the following audiobooks and I found them remarkably helpful to discover repressed / forgotten aspects of childhood, which were hidden from awareness.

Alice Miller - The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self

Pete Walker - Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma

Hey-- I've got a few books to recommend.

The Mood Cure by Julia Ross

A lot of my issues stem from childhood abuse and neglect. Mind you I was very rarely hit, but the emotional abuse was horrific. If that sounds like you, check these out:

CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller

I have to say, reading your comments manifests a non ADHD, well educated person. You are very cohesive in everything you write, the structure of your paragraphs passes a solid idea and you use complex ideas you've well researched and gathered/summarized in your brain.

Not trying to minimize what you feel or your experience as an individual, how are you able to write so fluently?

You are very knowledgeable, don't get me wrong, but you should double down your research on the root, not the symptoms and cures. This will be a better investment for the future.

I'm in this path a few years, been researching and exploring, I've searched for magic pills, and I'm not sure that if I'd stumble a magic pill I wouldn't use it and forget about everything, but, beware, these issues tends to explode and manifest, health and mental wise. The body keeps the score. In relationships, work, family life, health in later stages of life etc.

If you have no problem with reading, many CPTSD survivors found Pete Walker's book, https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842 helpful and mindblowing. See if you can relate to it yourself.

Regarding Psychedelics, you can do that on your own as well, but you should build a system to help you understand and more important be willing to feel and process these two are very tricky for many of us.

I agree that our brain and structures have already been formed, but in five years from now you can have a totally different brain if you choose, you can implement new habits and processes that will make you different overtime (compounded over time = exponential growth).

There are many tools, EMDR is a great one, there are many available options if you live in the EU, from online therapists that can guide you through integration sessions remotely etc. There are Psychedelics centers in different countries all over the EU that are now been formed (London, Amsterdam) and different retreats worldwide.

Where I live there isn't an available "center" and a few years ago I didn't know there are underground therapists that do psychedelics sessions in a therapeutic manner, but they exist, there are many of them when you start digging. I don't know from where are you but I would guess once you start looking around, they will pop. Sometimes it only takes a therapist that is willing to try being supportive, this is all you need. Don't use psychedelics as magic pills, don't go into their effects on neurotransmitters, think about them as mind-expanding-gateways to help you reach and process emotions and an observational tool into your mind.

Regarding Somatic Work, you can read some of Peter Levine's books are summarize of his work about somatic experiencing, to help release trauma from within your body.

I used to compare the same as you do, what's best, x vs. y, I have to say that it is so different from one to another, for me MDMA in an environment where I felt protected and had the right intentions was a profound experience that taught me a lot about the mind and I keep remembering, it had deepen my meditation practice and my connection to myself greatly. On the other hand, mushrooms have shown me insights and paths I was sometime afraid to explore, and sometimes help release traumas.

We build resiliency with time, don't look at yourself as someone that is doomed to be traumatized easily, you will learn how to help yourself get out of fight or flight mode and have access to new behaviours that will help you regain confidence and power.

MDMA is well researched, I don't know 6-APB, so I'd not fuzz around with my brain, keep it safe. Checkout MAPS.org for more information about PTSD & MDMA treatment, they have the entire protocol live. There's a lot of information on reddit in the different subs I mentioned.

Regarding Neurofeedback, This is a very very very strong tool for people, leave all the online reviews and scams, it can change people's life when used by the right hands. I'd start by reading and exploring, if you have access to a qEEG mapping near/not far away, I'd start with that, it cannot predict the real mental state, but it holds a lot of information in cases of trauma and have been researched as well. Sebern Fisher's book I mentioned is a great read as well. Her actions triggered semi broad clinic trials for PTSD and I have a lot of faith in it (I did it in the past).

For myself, I'm looking to be able to be productive, along the way I learned I have vision issues that might be related to trauma, stress or TBI, working on that makes a lot of difference as well. Although I have 20/20 or 6:6 vision, I still have functional problems, and if you suffer from mTBIs you might benefit from checking this out as well in the futurue.

My issues relate to memory, fluency and I try to improve, but there are places I can't currently beat my old habits so I need to try different medications because I'm unproductive at work and life and this creates a negative spiral. This is why I'm still researching for a drug that can aid, but not a bandage on my root issues.

I'm going to research some of the things you mentioned, did you try Phenyl/Piracetam? since you get anxious from coffee I assume this might create some body anxiety for you, but - sometimes, we lack energy which creates anxiety (the gap between what you have and what you need), and sometimes the brain and body are not accustomed to having this life or rush which also manifest as anxiety.

Did you order pseudoephedrine online? I'm not sure my MD will prescribe it to me but I could try convincing him. This might give me some positive days which is better that none as I have a lot to accomplish in the near time.

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The only thing I didn't try well enough is Strattera, it suppose to be helpful as it acts on NE mostly, not like Pseudoephedrine but there are some similarities.

I also benefited from Craniosacral therapy, this is really good from people with mTBI and people with PTSD as it works on the CNS.

What other Nootropics/Supplements have you tried so far?

Happy to continue the discussion privately.