To orgasm, you need to know your own anatomy, including your brain. This book has helped me a bunch: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

It explains how we orgasm and it has completely changed how I masturbate.

I strongly recommend both of you read, "Come as You Are", by Dr. Emily Nagoski. The book is not about sex positions or techniques. It's a great read, super approachable and informative. The book focuses on understanding sexual desire, inhibition, stressors, and finding the right contexts to turn off the offs, and turn on the ons.

Neither you nor your wife are broken. Both of you are normal. Please don't let your wife feel like she's broken because of how she's feeling right now.

Please get a copy of the book, and read it together. I believe both of you will be blown away by how much you don't know/never knew/never learned!

Best of luck to you both!

You can be done if you want to be done, the decision is literally entirely yours. I’m in a wildly similar predicament currently and we bought come as you are and the workbook that goes with it as well as scheduled a therapy appointment. I’m resentful that it’s taken so long, but I’m giving it this one last shot. We both know it’s our Hail Mary. I think after 10 years together, we (my husband and I) deserve one last big push before going our separate ways.

That doesn’t mean you have to, again, you are the only person who can decide to be done. He might not agree with your choice, but breakups don’t have to be unanimous. Good luck.

You sound like a fairly typical person, truly.

If you read and want to explore and think through how you feel about expressing yourself, this is a really lovely self introspection and communication book. It will likely help you think through the disconnect as well.

https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

You AND your wife commit to reading this.

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_HLyCEbJMRKRH6

I recommend that you both read up on responsive desire vs. spontaneous desire.

Women's hormones have a lot to do with their libido. During ovulation women tend to get more spontaneously horny. Sometime some women also have to same reaction during/leading up to their period. While on hormonal birth control this doesn't happen.

BUT during this time, it could be that her desire is more responsive - meaning that she won't randomly get horny and wanna smash- but if she has more sexual related stimulation (read: foreplay- for the mind and body) that she can get into it and really enjoy it.

So, read up on responsive vs spontaneous desire. Also read up on the concept of breaks and accelerators in sexual inhibitors. like this book

Find out what works for her. Every woman is different. This could be waaaay off base. Maybe she's just too stressed with everything going on in the world. Maybe the pill really does kill it for her. Maybe she needs to talk with her doctor about changing her script. Maybe she needs you to wine and dine her, and not just say "hey, sex?" Maybe she's a friggen alien looking to steal your babies. I dunno man. This is why people say "talk to her". She will probably know better how to get back to fun sexy times, more than any of us internet strangers. Ask in a kind, non judgemental way, that encourages you both to be open about the issue.

Please read, “Come As You Are.” https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

Yes. I wouldn’t say it’s easy on my own but it’s reliable. First, I recommend reading “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski. It helps with my mindset a lot.

Second, the first thing I tell partners is “It is difficult for me to orgasm. I want you to try but I don’t want you to make a big deal out of it.” It takes the pressure off of me to perform a certain way. I can just enjoy the pleasure without worrying about whether I’m going to orgasm or not.

I also have a preference for experienced partners. By experienced, I mean sex positive and sexually promiscuous. They know how to change their approach for each individual body. They know sex is more than orgasms. They know how to be sensual. They view people as a whole.

I realized recently that I can give feedback but I can’t provide directions. If sex were a test, I can do multiple choice but not an essay. When people tell me to tell them what to do, I don’t know what to say. But when they dive in with enthusiasm, variety, and a willingness to take feedback, then I can tell them “No, that’s not doing anything. Almost but not there. Yes, that. Do that. Yes! Oh, it’s over sensitive now. Let’s do something else.” People with experience provide more variety for me to provide feedback on. People with less experience attempt one penetration at one speed with one body part, and then need more coaching which I can’t provide.

First of all, fuck whoever just said “google it”

Second, get her THIS BOOK it’s more about the mental and emotional aspect of sexual rather than just the biological stuff. Which, she also really needs to know. But sex is 90% mental and 10% physical so it’s very important to focus on that as well.

My wife went through this exact thing. Very conservative religious household that “don’t do it” was the extent of her sex Ed. We recommend this book to everyone we know.

This is often overlooked but there is a connection between between satisfying orgasms and receiving more sexually relevant stimuli. source

There’s so many potential reasons none of which have to do with you... this has happened to me and it’s been because of stress / psychological stuff to unpack in therapy... I know friends that have also had this because of physical health issues, diet, drinking, not enough sleep etc. Check out the book “come as you arecome as you are ” it talks about the ins and outs of intimacy... most likely in those moments his stress goes up (no pun intended) and now the psychological block is compounded by feelings of inadequacy that he’s losing the erection. Don’t know if edging really impacts the ability to keep it up, but I’d say the best thing you can do is wait it out a little. If he can relax it’ll come back.

You're not a failure, and there is logic to it - that's what conditioning does. It's all right. You're re-writing how your brain works, and that takes time. Be patient with yourself, because this may take some practice.

Give yourself permission to cum, loudly and verbally, but also consider getting yourself a new toy, so the experience itself is different. Like a hitachi or a doxy (ie something your body can't deny). Consider what occurred to condition you into this state (edging, I suppose?) and then do that to yourself, for yourself.

Don't worry about your ex. Don't worry about future partners.

Books like "come as you are" might help, too.

i cant believe how porn ruined sex. This reminds me of once i slept with a virgin guy, and the look on his face when i told him that it's rare for a woman to squirt, he had genuine sadness.

​

Squirt isn't like in porn where liquid goes pew pew out, it's more like a gush of liquid that doesn't splatter all around. It requires stimulation of a specific gland in the vulva.

​

As for this sub, it's filled with people lying or karma whoring. "me and my bf fuck for 4 hours straight and he made me cum 10 times!!" what bullocks, can u imagine the vagina hammered for 4 hours? god it would swell up and bleed from all the friction! Actually, lots of women also sadly fake orgasms too, or dunno if theyre cumming so they think that they came when they didnt. This in return makes men think 'okay we made these women cum, how come THIS women that im dating cant cum from PIV?". This in return creates lots of sexual tension in the relationship due to different expectations and pressure.

​

In truth, every body is different, men and women. Some dicks feel better than others, some vaginas requires different angles or stimulation to cum, some never cum from anything, some only from anal, some only from clit stimulation, some cum in 30 seconds, others in an hour. What matters shouldn't be the cumming, cumming should be the cherry on top. In fact, vaginas are build in a way where 70% of women CANNOT cum from only PIV, and the average women takes much more time than the average man to cum (Refer to Come As You Are) You're still young, communicate with. your bf, discuss your fetishes together, have fun in sex, do not put pressure on each other, never fake an orgasm, take your time. Build your sex life together.

​

I wish there was better sex ed. Personally I do not recommend relying on this sub's Hot posts for tips or for how sex is in real life.

I don't know if you might wanna try a book? Come as you are is an informative, educational book that is so much fun to read as well. It explains how and why (or why not) women climax.

For me, it was a life-changing book (though I haven't even finished reading it) because it confronted me with some stuff that I was surpressing (kinks). But apart from that, it explains how the female mind works, as well as the female anatomy, in regards to orgasms. Educate thyself I guess...

🍀 Last bit of advice... Try not to worry about it too much... I know, easier said than done, but... Focussing on 'getting there' really does stop you 'getting there'.

I’d highly encourage you and your girlfriend to read the book “Come As You Are” by Nagoski: https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=nodl_

It focuses on women’s sexuality which contrary to popular belief is experienced very differently than male sexuality. The “lust” you are describing is not something that most women can or do experience, at least not in the same way as men.

Asynchronous desire is difficult but not insurmountable in a relationship, and there are ways to compromise without sacrificing each other’s needs so long as you understand each other’s sexuality.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090

I’m 26 and I’ve been going through something similar for much of my 20’s, I’m sorry to hear this is causing you distress. Something that has given me a lot of comfort and insight into my own sexuality (and women’s sexuality as a whole) is this book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. I started reading this along with talking to a therapist over the phone once a week and it’s helped more than anything. There are even worksheets that accompany the book. I hope this helps <3

Like others have said - there’s no great supplements out there for libido (humans have been searching for one for thousands of years).

Aside from talking to your doctor you should absolutely read Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, PhD. It is an instruction manual for sexual desire based on all the evidence science has at this point. My wife and I listened to the audiobook on a road trip and it provided a much needed education on libido.

Come as you are is a great start for you both to read!

Read Come As You Are by Nagoski.

I can't tell if you're really looking to learn something or just want to reinforce your very skewed view of things because you're lonely and have a hard time with women.

I really suggest you educate yourself, especially regarding sex, as you seem to have a post history that suggests you may be struggling with sexuality and identity.

If you haven't had a good sex education (like many of us) then I can't recommend enough Come as You Are, by Emily Nagoski.

I think it will really enlighten you, especially regarding some of the false beliefs you have around women's sexuality.

You are at a point where you can either shout the same talking points over and over, and point to (really terrible) Ask Reddit posts that bring all the misogynists out, or you can do a bit of learning and challenge the bias and prejudices you've developed.

Have her read Come As You Are

It’ll help to normalize it for her and she’ll realize it’s ok.

then there is a book called Come As You Are

if you read it first, she may be willing to read it too. it’s a wonderful book. it will teach you something regardless of gender, age or experience.

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ZUsJEbHSSR3BA

As a doc, this is the best book I’ve ever read about sexual health and worthy of your time. Come As You Are

Two things: 1. The more a guy brags about his size/skills, the worse he is in bed. This is a universal truth. 2. Read this book - Come as You Are. You are perfectly normal and absolutely beautiful

Time for some real talk!

Most people don't understand how desire works. I'm going to give you a quick education because it can be life-changing.

FIRST:

It's important to understand that desire is something you can cultivate and intentionally create. Most people are pretty passive when it comes to desire. It either happens or it doesn't.

That's because most people think desire only occurs spontaneously. That's the way we're taught when we learn about the sexual response cycle in school (if you're lucky), and it's what the movies show. It's also the type of sexual desire we experience when the relationship is new! Lots of spontaneous desire during that phase.

Desire > Arousal > Climax > Refractory Period

But the reality is that often times the first to steps in the sexual response cycle are switched around. This happens a lot after people have been together for a while... especially to women.

They don't feel spontaneous desire as frequently. Instead they feel what's called Responsive Desire. The way responsive desire works is like this:

Arousal > Desire > Climax > Refractory Period

Essentially, you don't feel desire until you get a little turned on. Once you lean into the kissing, or the massage, or whatever... you might find yourself going, "Huh... I didn't think I was in the mood, but actually, I want more of this now."

Learning this thing ALONE is a lifesaver.

SECOND:

Desire is a "Dual-Response System."

The best analogy to make here is that it's like a car. You have a gas pedal and a break pedal. And if you push both pedals at the same time, you're not going to go anywhere.

Some things hit your gas pedal and get you more in the mood, like a good-smelling perfume/cologne, a clean house, a massage, or a kiss on the neck.

Some things hit your break pedal like stinky breath, kids running around the house, low body confidence, or being stressed or tired.

The goal is to minimize the break pedals, and maximize the gas pedals. As you do this, you can literally create desire.

If you want to learn more about this, read Emily Nagoski's book, "Come As You Are."

Anything here ring true or help?

Yooo read Come As You Are my therapist recommended it to me, it was amazing. Really gets right to the heart of everything you’re feeling

I can’t believe some of the comments on here. To me, if a person does not want to do something sexually because they associate it with a bad sexual experience or rape, they should not be forced to do so! Think of it in reverse - if it was the OP who was forced to give a blow job and now no longer wants to give blowjobs because of that experience, should she be forced to do so? NO.

OP - I think you have a few options. First, do not try to force your boyfriend to give you oral. If oral is something that you cannot live without, then you might want to reconsider the relationship. However, it is also important that you receive sexual pleasure as well during sex. If you’re willing to work through this with your boyfriend, I would have a conversation with him about your sex life. Try introducing toys. If oral works for you, maybe try a wand.

If you want to make it work, have a conversation with your boyfriend and find something that works for you!

Also, check out Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are . Dr. Nagoski is a sex educator, and she explains in the book why and how women’s sexuality works. Many reviewers have said its the best book that they’ve read on women and sex. I learned from this book that the majority of women do not orgasm from intercourse! Like you, I did not orgasm from intercourse so reading this book just helped me understand that my body was normal! I highly recommend it - reading this helped me communicate myself better to my partner, which in turn helped our sex life.

Hey! Sorry to hear that the two of you are experiencing this. You sound very supportive and loving.

There are a few things that could be going on. However, in order to

1) I’m not sure what your reasons were for remaining virgins. But sometimes when we put sex up on a pedestal for decades and when being a virgin becomes part of your identity (especially for women), when you finally have sex you can feel dirty, or like you lost a part of your identity. This can be especially true if your first time wasn’t as “magical and wonderful” as you thought it would be.

2) I’m typically a ravenous strumpet who could have sex with her bf multiple times a day!!! Every day!!! And bring on that kinky, dirty sex! Hell, let’s have a threesome! But for the last month work and life stress have been building up. I have a lot of anxiety and depression and I’m on a medication that makes me feel weird. I don’t want to be touched. I don’t even want him to look at me some days. Now, I recognize this and it’s not healthy. I’m communicating openly with my bf, letting him know what he can do to help, actively working with my doctors, and I’m trying to find a new job. I am also making serious efforts during this time to try to initiate sex when I feel less blegh, cuddles, affirm him with words, and make him feel desired. But it takes a lot of work on my part. Not everyone has the energy or ability to recognize what’s going on.

3) Ouch! The first time hurt! That’s no fun. Especially if she has a physical issue that is preventing her from PIV sex. She is going to want to keep following up with a doctor that she trusts. There are even Physical Therapists that focus on pelvic issues that can help depending on the issue. Bring in a therapist for the mental side of things. When it comes to sex itself, start slow. Bring on that foreplay. Try different sizes of fun toys/dildos until she can handle your sea monster. Lube. Lube. Lube. Find a sexy playlist. Explore different kinds of lighting. Seduce her starting in the morning so that her anticipation builds all day. Learn massage and sloooow down. Communicate during sex. Aftercare and communicate after sex. Try a variety of positions. Let her take control and you stay more still. You can’t make someone love to do something, but you can make them hate it. Right now this isn’t pleasurable or fun for her and she is probably feeling the pressure to perform.

3) You both should read a book called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She is one of the leading sex researchers and this book is amazing. It touches on your issue exactly! It’s like a sex-Ed for adults and it works through a lot of the myths and common sexual issues that come up in relationships.

It’s not always physical (though it could be). Some people take longer, or need different stimulation. This book explains sexual arousal as a process, using a gas pedal/brake pedal analogy and I love it so much. There’s good life advice in here too.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_t1_9xoRFbTMJAEJ2

I recently bought the book, Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_05NlEbM6GGDCE

I haven’t finished yet, but going through a similar experience as you. It’s hard to think that you’re doing something on purpose that hurts or takes away from your partner. It’s hard to grow, learn, change and discover more about your own thoughts and emotions. Wishing you luck.

You’ve gotten great suggestions and I’ll add one more. Read this book and ask your wife to consider it too. It does have some recommendations not in line with church teaching that can be ignored. It has fantastic science for understanding desire, libido and how to work through them especially when couples have very different feelings. https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

I don't offer this as a "solution" but this is a very relevant and very good book, written in modern, enjoyable language:

https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

I came to the comment sections to say this exact thing! The book is amazing, it helped me reframe my views on my body. Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski

He needs help, and you need couples counseling.

He is being extremely selfish and demanding. You deserve the same amount of effort, patience, and love you gave him. You’re not of value to him unless he’s getting his sexual demands met? That’s wrong. Obviously trying to find solutions so it doesn’t last forever is appropriate but the restricted time line is not.

He is not going to listen to you, or attempt any of your ideas if he is not seeing/admitting to his own faults and seemingly has no respect for your emotions.

Are you a sex toy or his outstanding loving partner... it sounds like you are in a very difficult situation but forcing yourself to please him at your own sacrifice is only going to deepen the problem and reduce the space for recovery.

If you hadn’t explained he suffers from BPD this sounds like a person who denies/or doesn’t believe in mental illness at all...Or someone who suffers from NPD.

I hope that someone else comments with valuable experience or advice for you to talk to him again. Sadly the only advice I have for you is to really explore your options of support and love from friends and family. It sounds like his love for you is only conditional, and you are deserving of much more after being so strong for him.

I have some problems in my own relationship with sex...frequency, and initiating so I have been reading this book, maybe it will help you discover more about yourself and emotions. I wish you better days.

https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=nodl_

Read this. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Cse3EbZDNKY16

I'm currently reading "Come As You Are" and it addresses some of these issues. I highly recommend you (and your husband) read it. Life sucks for everyone right now in the Big 'Rona, and no one is unaffected by new stressors.

I second the Ferber method for working to get your kids sleeping in their own beds. Get your husband on board with getting your marriage bed back (and hopefully better sleep and intimacy too).

Zoning out with videogames to manage stress can certainly help him, especially if he's already exercising on top of that. Are you getting a chance to exercise, or a break from the kids? Perhaps you can find some other ways to destress or increase intimacy together: co-op gaming while snuggling on the couch, mutual massage, even just dedicated adult time to share a dessert or drink as a mini-date.

When life is hectic, it's easy to get into comfortable habits that often exclude sex and intimacy. It might not sound the most romantic, but try scheduling sex/time for intimacy. Mutually agree on an evening to dedicate some time for sex and mutually share your desires throughout the week. If both of you are clear about what you want to get out of "Sex Night" and talk it up throughout the week ("Can't wait for you to go down on me", "I want to ride you till we're sore", "How do you want me Saturday night?") then you can work to build up some anticipation and heat throughout the week. You might not even make it to "Sex Night"!

I know it's cliche, but talk about it. You love him, he loves you, and you're BOTH struggling independently right now. Come together, find some ways to change things up, and hopefully you'll come together like you used to.

It’s so far from reality 😂 It always made me self conscious. Like what was wrong me?? I orgasm often and easily. But where they not the right kind???
Luckily I know better Everyone should read this book https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090 it’s enlightening!

I'm exactly like your gf. It took me a long time to understand the problem. I couldn't see the emotional toll of rejection. I found the book Come as you are helpful to understand responsive desire and the context I need to even want desire. I suggest both of you read it to get the same vocabulary.

You just may not be a sexual person—and that’s ok! I read a great book called “Come as You Are” which I highly recommend!

https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=nodl_

https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=come+as+you+are&qid=1600888900&sr=8-1

My DW read this shortly after leaving Mormonism and I read it a few months later at her suggestion. She gifts it to TBMs and exmos alike. I don't know how much it will help in addressing overcoming oppressive culture like you said but it will likely increase your understanding of yourself.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_kZqmFbDRJ146G

Hi. There are a lot of things you both need to know to have sex. First of all, stop trying to put your penis in at all until you figure out some anatomy and stuff about both your bodies.

Get a better lube - silicone lubricant is a good non-sticky option. Start out with hands only. Explore what feels good, go slow, and talk about it. You may not be finding the actual opening, or she might not be relaxing enough to do penetration. Either way, start by inserting only one or two fingers, go slow, find the g-spot and just generally get familiar with what's going on. Ask her about what feels good. Stimulate the clitoris.

In fact, make sure you are stimulating the clit BEFORE trying to insert anything, as it can help arousal and relaxation.

Is she experiencing any pain or discomfort when you try? It's very common for women who haven't had sex and may have anxiety about it to develop vaginismus or other "disorders" (I use the term loosely) that make the body tense up when sex is tried and then things don't really work. If so, this will be a longer process involving more education of what's happening with her body and possibly a medical professional. If not, disregard this paragraph.

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Book recommendations: Come As You Are https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090 which you should both read.

I don't think it's just a difference in drives (his is high and yours is average to low). That's a problem, yes, but there's also types of desire.

I like this book, which is really helpful for understanding your own and your partner's sexuality:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_apa_i_9vmhEbDBRF5DQ

Basically, there's Spontaneous Desire (your husband)-- that's when you become spontaneously aroused by thinking about sex, or looking at your partner, or thinking about them, or similar. It's what motivates us to initiate sex.

Then there's Responsive Desire (you)-- that's when you become aroused by sexual actions like kissing or groping or otherwise interacting sexually with your partner. It's the way you feel after you've been "warmed up." It's what foreplay is for.

Some people experience both of these, and some people only experience one or the other. It's relatively common for women to be mostly responsive types, and for men to be mostly spontaneous types.

If you have a partner who experiences desire differently than you, then it can be hard to understand their desire, or to feel desired by them. For example, if you're a spontaneous type and your partner is a responsive type, that would mean you would likely do most of the initiating. It's possible to work around this respectfully and compassionately.

And on that note, I would recommend marriage counseling (because you're both saying terrible things to each other, and this is an ongoing, regular disagreement you have). Ideally with a sex therapist.

Also I saw someone else recommend it, but Gottman's book is helpful for overall marriage health:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00N6PEQV0/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_apa_i_bEmhEbK25CAZW

Okay, I've been a lurker here for a while, and don't really have a lot to contribute... I feel like you could be writing what is in my wife's head.

Not wanting sex is normal. Wanting a lot of sex is normal. There is no exact amount of sex that is right... What is right is making time for each other. This author Emily Nagoski, is one my wife is currently reading. We are trying to get our sex lives back on track after some time off. We love the hell outta each other, and have very few outspoken problems.

Her book Come As You Are is supposedly a great read that has really helped a lot of women and given a lot of men insight into getting things back on track.

After my wife is done reading it, I think I'm going to read it as well.

Hope that helps!

ComeCome as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

Scarleteen

Have you read about spontaneous desire vs responsive desire? A LOT of women who mainly experience responsive desire have been told their whole adult lives that they have low sex drives, when really it’s just that their sex drive works a little different. It’s not abnormal, either - responsive desire is the main form of drive for ~30% (maybe more) of women throughout their lives, and most people experience it at some point.

Regardless of how your drive works, I’m sorry that people have made you feel bad about it.

If you haven’t read it, I recommend Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski. She discusses common types of sex drives (including low/no drive) in a very positive way, and provides good sources for further reading. She also explains the dual-control model of arousal, which is like an accelerator-brake system that can permit or prevent arousal to develop. All in all, it’s a great book that may help you overcome some of your self consciousness on this topic.

Here ya go!

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fabt1_5HvXFbSMT3P30

The Man's Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the Love Lab About What Women Really Want https://www.amazon.com/dp/1623361842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fabt1_nJvXFbTVTF13M

And one more...

What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal https://www.amazon.com/dp/1451608489/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fabt1_7KvXFbX2XVZV7

> He is open to therapy of any kind.

That is wonderful news! There are also helpful books on the subject if that would be something either of you would like. Come as You Are is very informative about responsive libido and helps people figure out what triggers their libido and sexuality, outside of just traditional views about spontaneous libidos. It was originally written with female readers in mind but it has since been discovered that a lot of men have responsive desire as well.

And Mating in Captivity is a book about how to keep sex and romance alive inside of long-term relationships.

> I'm sick to my stomach. I'm not that person. I can't be that person.

I'm not here to kick anyone when they're down. You listened, you learned, you checked in with your partner and you are willing to do better going forward. That's all you can do. I don't think you're a terrible human being, and it's now very clear that you had no idea that what you were doing could cause harm. It's a Friday night, it's probably a good time for a good cry, a warm bath and some comfort food. You don't need to beat yourself up.

> He said that he wants to have a good sex life with me. I told him that a marriage cannot be alive if the bedroom is not alive, he agreed. He said we'll get through this

You have a partner that is willing to work to make things better. You're already several steps ahead of a lot of the people on this sub from that alone. You got this.

I know that this is rude and I am sorry for it, but I read your story and I can't help but think that your lack of desire here is normal given that you have 3 children with a man you've been with for 10 years...It is very hard to get out of "Mom mode." On top of it all it sounds like he may not be trying to help you experience pleasure. If you are up to it, I think exploring sexuality as a whole may be good for you. It's a complicated subject! I really enjoyed these books, maybe they will be a good place to start: https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090 https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence-ebook/dp/B000UODXP0/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=mating+in+captivity&qid=1597275140&sprefix=mating+in&sr=8-3

There is nothing wrong with you, and you do not need to be fixed, but understanding why you feel the way you do may be enlightening.