Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
Below are the top discussions from Reddit that mention this Amazon book.
In a crisis, it's easy to revert to old patterns. Caring for your well-being during the coronavirus pandemic includes maintaining healthy boundaries and saying no to unhealthy relationships. The healing touchstone of millions, this modern classic by one of America's best-loved and most inspirational authors holds the key to understanding codependency and to unlocking its stultifying hold on your life. Is someone else's problem your problem? If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else's, you may be codependent--and you may find yourself in this book-- Codependent No More.The healing touchstone of millions, this modern classic by one of America's best-loved and most inspirational authors holds the key to understanding codependency and to unlocking its stultifying hold on your life. With instructive life stories, personal reflections, exercises, and self-tests, Codependent No More is a simple, straightforward, readable map of the perplexing world of codependency--charting the path to freedom and a lifetime of healing, hope, and happiness. Melody Beattie is the author of Beyond Codependency, The Language of Letting Go, Stop Being Mean to Yourself, The Codependent No More Workbook, and Playing It by Heart.
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Melody Beattie
Reddit Posts and Comments
0 posts • 34 mentions • top 30 shown below
8 points • rgrrrl
It's great that you're already thinking about it! Don't beat yourself up - it's really, really hard to do internal/shadow work, and this is a learning experience that will help direct you towards the you that'll know you are enough and don't need to buy anyone gifts or be overly available for them to be interested, because you'll know your company is its own gift. If anything on codependence resonates with you, I highly recommend "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
6 points • bangagongmarcb
Girl, read “Codependent No More” by Melanie Beattie.
It will give you a lot of perspective. It will help you understand yourself and in turn understand others.
Before ANY change can be made, awareness has to take place. This was the first book I read about codependency and it’s an easy and insightful read.
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
2 points • AnastasiaApple
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
2 points • kashifplumber
I'd recommend give this book a shot.
1 points • Lambent_Sea_Princess
You need to read this book OP. Best of luck.
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
1 points • MotorDevelopment
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
1 points • saucegaye
I highly suggest codependent no more, it’s such an amazing read and really helped me understand and cope. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Sd5TEbBNGW0KT
1 points • softpill0w
You've likely tried some form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and/or Dialectical Behavior Therapy -- these are really effective for rewiring your learned thought patterns and can be done independently with things like workbooks. Dr. David Burns has some really great books for this.
If you want to work on more boundary setting, especially if you struggle with feeling responsible for other people's moods/reactions, this book might really help. In the least corny way possible, reading this and eventually talking about it with my therapist after a break was incredibly powerful for my healing process.
1 points • antacid3443
Have you tried books on co-dependency? "Codependent No More" might be a good read to start with. It talks about being with someone with addiction, but it also goes into patterns that clingy partners exhibit and what do to about them.
1 points • AmbivalentSoup
Here is the book my therapist suggested for me. It was eerie reading it, like someone had written this book specifically about me.
1 points • Isolatia79
I would recommend this book. Bad title and subtitle but good stuff
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
1 points • Bawonga
NTA Your family is blaming you for calling the police because they're codependent enablers who can't see past your mom's disease. (A book about this that helped me a lot is Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie) They're in denial. I'm sorry you're going thorough this. Have you tried Al-Anon or Families Anonymous for support? They have helped me so much, along with many people I know who have alcoholism in their families or loved ones' lives.
1 points • FuzzyTidBits
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
1 points • TheNotoriousViolet
Please read this book - it changed my life. My eyes opened. Lots of tears, realizations, hurdles, layers to this codependency. It is the driving factor of my life. Today I can look, laugh, and love myself. No one is perfect. Don’t beat yourself up too much. Knowing this about yourself is the beginning of the willingness required to take this journey.💜💜
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
(https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_sN6hFbCQRBAXZ)
1 points • Bodyguard8367
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_hQ8vEbMK79ZDT
1 points • greggybearscuppycake
Remember that if your mom is in recovery or relapses, both are HER choices and not due to anything you caused. You are not responsible for her actions. Two books that have been really helpful to my own healing and how I think about my own mom’s recovery: A Gift to Myself: Healing Child Within and Codependent No More
1 points • JB7688
>I've just realised that I seem to go out with people who need fixing,
That's good 'ol codependency for ya - I'm the same way and always give way more emotionally in a relationship and end up losing myself. This book has actually been really helpful in explaining and trying to overcome it - https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
1 points • PobodysNerfectHere
Based on your reported history, I would highly, highly recommend reading the book "Codependent No More" https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=codependent+no+more&qid=1581990551&sr=8-2.
It's been around for years, with new editions released, and it is regarded as the "Bible" of gaining insight into codependent relationships. It helps you set healthy boundaries for yourself, helps you see what red flags to look for in a relationship, and helps you identify unhealthy/unsustainable behaviors within a relationship.
You have so much time ahead of you. Honestly. I hope you can start fresh for your own sake.
1 points • Rough_Reflection
I am not a doctor and I do think you should get a formal diagnosis but that should go without saying as I am an internet stranger who could be a complete moron. Having said that, yeah you can get better with treatment.
I think psychedelics was a huge part of my healing. Whenever I do get an epiphany, it's commonly connected with feeling intense emotions and I cry. Most of the time, I feel very little and rarely cry. When I am undergoing change, I feel intense emotions. The epiphanies feel very much like coming out of a trip with new knowledge and experiences. I don't know how to explain it, but it's been happening again recently. I have been crying a bunch and figuring out some of my core issues as a human. Codependency was at the core and I had to let go of some of my favorite drugs. My FAVORITE drug was my ex wife. It was also the most detrimental because in order to balance out the crazy BPD I had to drink and smoke weed to keep the edge off. Now I am alone and I can experience anything on my own without needing to cope in unhealthy ways. I can just let all of the feelings wash over me. I think about them and process through them. Therapy has been helpful for this as well because I get to share all of the crazy shit that I keep to myself without fear of giving a potential enemy ammo to hurt me later.
My therapist is free at the moment because of covid. It ends in June sadly (allegedly).
Codependency isn't your friend. This book was helpful to me. https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
I do ignore my friends, I think its OK as I have very few. I reach out when I want to hang out. I like to be alone anyway. When I do want people around, I make sure to do that.
I also used to drink a lot to keep my brain in check. Do you abuse drugs or alcohol?
If you want to become healthy mentally, I suggest becoming physically healthy first. I was overweight and very fucked up mentally. I went from 225 to 190 and started training Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I dropped to 165 and I stay around 170-175 now a days. This was the game changer that really helped me crush the ego and learn to grow and become stronger mentally. I built confidence and learned to kill me codependency. It took many years of hard work to get to where I am but it is worth it. Don't give up.
I can't prescribe what worked for me, this is purely anecdotal.
1 points • QueasyOrchid
I'd really recommend checking out this book and seeing if it speaks to you. I feel like it might help you see why you ended up giving so much of yourself to someone who could not reciprocate. Try reading a bunch of the reviews if you're unsure.
Nar-anon meeting finder (google around for zoom meetings during the pandemic). It's for friends and family of people with addictions. YMMV but meeting others who are affected by addiction and willing to talk about it can make one feel a lot less wacky. Knowing that there are others who share similar experiences and have gotten better.
1 points • LoveMisfit
My counselor recommended Codependent no more
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1 points • AgonyInTheIrony
I sent this to OP but this applies to anyone that feels ‘stuck’ with an abuser due to their own poor self worth/self-love.
I dated manipulative jerks for 8 years before it dawned on me that I could be alone for a while and learn how to love myself so that I could attract a healthy partner. You can have both but you are choosing to settle for an abuser that is familiar rather than taking the risk to break up and find someone that respects you.
I would do some reading on “Love Addiction”, “co-dependency”, and “boundary setting”. If you can read about these things and understand the root of your own behaviors that tether you to an abusive and manipulative SO, you will learn how to find a loving and healthy partner.
Im speaking from personal experience as a former co-dependent person. I exclusively dated abusers because I had zero interest in working on my self loathing.
We have to dig deep to understand the root of our self-loathing, fears of abandonment, and the inability to be alone with ourselves. It takes time to identify our maladaptive behaviors and where they came from. Mine came from having abusive parents.
I highly recommend reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=nodl_
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No and Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=nodl_
Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love by Pia Melody
https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Love-Addiction-Giving-Yourself/dp/0062506048/ref=nodl_
1 points • 1800sextalk
From your situation these words popped out to me:
>As he drank...he got more handsy...I don't mind...I haven't felt well (depressed)..and was tired. He has several boob fetishes that I am happy to indulge, but not just not when he drinks.
>
>"...I've dealt with his alcoholic mom and dad...as well as his bad relationship with alcohol."
"Alcohol is...sadness, and pain... It's a mood killer.
You've tried telling him.
>I just don't feel safe around alcohol.
>
>I just don't know how to have sex...when he drinks.
​
Okay. First things first, you don't owe anyone sex. Sex isn't a requirement or something that you get guilted into doing.
You are uncomfortable. You tell us over and over again. You are with a person who does not hear you when you voice your feelings of being uncomfortable or feeling unsafe, when he drinks.
You aren't attracted to alcoholics.
He is an alcoholic. His parents are alcoholics. He doesn't respect your personal space when he drinks. He doesn't respect you.
You can't change him. That's a big mistake we women run into: we think that we can change the men we are with. If somehow our "trying harder", or "being better" mattered in their recovery. In all honesty, it's THEIR CHOICES that affect their recovery. Not us. We can't change them. We can't fix them. They have to fix themselves.
Is he in denial of his alcoholism? Are his parents in denial as well? Has he tried Alcoholics Anonymous? Therapy? Has he taken any steps to address his alcoholism? Or are you expected to continue to over-look his addiction, and continue to be uncomfortable just for his sake?
I can't tell you what to do, but I can offer a few resources:
A good book for you would be"Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie. This book is for those of us who need to recognize our unhealthy patterns, learn to set healthy boundaries, and say no to unhealthy relationships.
Please also check out https://al-anon.org/ Al Anon, a group for family and friends who deal with someone in their lives who has a drinking problem.
​
Good luck.
1 points • clue-seeker
They can occur together but are very different. The following definitions are from merriam-webster.com and I believe they're accurate.
codependent: participating in or exhibiting codependency
codependency: a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (such as an addiction to alcohol or heroin) (broadly: dependence on the needs of or control by another)
autism: a variable developmental disorder that appears by age three and is characterized especially by difficulties in forming and maintaining social relationships, by impairment of the ability to communicate verbally or nonverbally, and by repetitive behavior patterns and restricted interests and activities
The terms codependent and codependency were popularized by Melody Beattie starting in 1986 with her book, Codependent No More. She also wrote the preface to Al Franken's book of daily affirmations by his fictitious character from Saturday Night Live, Stuart Smalley: I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me.
Franken was poking fun at how people approach recovery from codependency, but I'm sure he thinks it's a serious topic as well (and I agree). It's nice to see that Beattie had a sense of humor about it as well.
1 points • nightingaletune
Here are a few books that might be helpful. Take a look at them to see if they might apply to your family dynamic.
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972
1 points • disconeptune
I’m glad it gave you some strength! I actually bought a bunch of books yesterday. Idk how they are but I plan to get something out of all of them. Check them out. Maybe we could all start a book club or something haha. Let me know if anyone would like to discuss which book to read first.
Books
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
I always think we should have an open mind, sometimes not one person is the toxic one, it even could be ourselves, it could be the partner and situation brings it out in us, or it could very well be us being a victim solely. I hope we can be more self aware of our actions.. and grow exponentially. These books may show naked truths we never wanted to see in ourselves but remorse and humility is important in growth.
2 points • caribou1122
u/SiwelRise has given you wonderful information and advice - for other resources to help you learn about yourself (which is the essence of self-love: giving yourself loving attention, learning about yourself and practicing accepting yourself) these are some of my favorite books:
Eastern Body, Western Mind: Psychology and the Chakra System As a Path to the Self https://www.amazon.com/dp/1587612259/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_G2GzFb9HP052E
The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connection, and Courage https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00D1Z9RFU/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_z3GzFbZK7B4QH
Anatomy of the Spirit: The Seven Stages of Power and Healing https://www.amazon.com/dp/0609800140/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_K4GzFb1403PFW
Awakening in Time : The Journey from Codependence to Co-Creation https://www.amazon.com/dp/0939344181/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_P9GzFbWGNCY8M
And if you want to dig deeper into inner child work and your own childhood here are a few suggestions:
Healing the Shame that Binds You (Recovery Classics) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0757303234/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_I7GzFbSQ2AGZQ
The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self, Revised Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0465016901/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_f8GzFbY9GYE37
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_T8GzFbKNRPGQR
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_M-GzFb2KVRQ0W
I have many more books I’ve read but these are a few very good and life-changing books I have read
1 points • rutluv
Depinde foarte mult pentru ce te intereseaza. Sunt un miliard de carti, si multe sunt doar maculatura.
Unele OK sunt:
- https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321
- https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
- https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
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Desi par ca nu au legatura, de fapt adreseaza toate aceeasi cauza. Absenta unui mediu propice in cei mai importanti ai dezvoltarii creierului unui om (1-4).