Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

Don’t co-sign but do read this book.

Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend

Hey, I know it may seem like it at times, but you’re not alone. There are more people who have crazy family problems than you might realize, but for some reason they tend to hide it. One thing that really helped me was this book on boundaries. If you can afford it, it may help you to work on establishing healthier boundaries with those around you. In my case, that meant going non-contact with my parents because they refused to respect me or my partner. Another thing that helped was finding a therapist that I could talk to. Opening up to a professional can be really intimidating, but I am 100% in a better headspace because they helped me to come to terms with those family problems at my own pace and supported me along the way. I realize that there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but hopefully some of these thoughts help you get through this!

Cloud and Townsend. I believe they wrote several versions, but here is the one I read:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_.zNuFbR2EVZBX

One point: I was not expecting it, but the book does have a strong point of view of religion. While that isn't something that resonated with me, it did not detract from what I learned. In fact, some parts actually helped, seeing the way boundaries could be applied in situations that are generally dogmatic and about following the rules (dealing with church leaders).

Aubrey needs to prioritize her husband and set boundaries with her parents. Here's a book that may help: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2FPSAWS55XC1B&keywords=boundaries+by+cloud+and+townsend&qid=1577736322&sprefix=Boundaries%2Caps%2C175&sr=8-1

Do not, do not under any circumstances buy them a $20k+ vehicle unless you had the cash upfront. You should not be guilt trapped into purchasing them a vehicle, but if you were to buy something look into a Honda/Toyota for under $5,000 with low mileage.

On a side note, I highly recommend you read this book

Get this book and read it with your girlfriend. I'm also an immigrant (came as a child) and these codependent dynamics have to be unlearned.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_apa_i_WvgVEb90VFF7N

It sounds like you need to set some boundaries about what you get annoyed about. I was in a similar situation and this book changed my life-not being dramatic. Totally serious. The first few pages are boring but the chapters are set up great!

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fab_e7-HFbKCNSKDY

> That's the process I'm starting now. I don't even know what boundaries are.

If you don't mind me helping a little, there are several helpful books on boundaries that I found quite useful. This was the first one I read.

Also, CoDA meetings were very helpful in learning about boundaries and how to set them. Melodie Beattie discusses them in her work on codependency, also.

This book might help. It does have Christian overtones but the advice is still pretty solid.

That you gave false information isn't up for a question, it's ground truth fact.

That you didn't give any helpful information to the very specific question asked, is ground truth.

Look, she wants a sextoy, purchased off of amazon, and a way for it to arrive without her roommates knowing about it, in a certain, very specific price range.

You didn't do any of that.
- You tried to berate her about setting boundaries, a good idea, but not what she came here for.
- You tried to ignore what she said, and suggested things that were neither positive, helpful, or indicative of current law.
Spreading lies, saying she needs boundaries, or that at 22 she shouldn't be financially dependent on her roommates isn't something she came here for.

If you want to say "learn how to establish boundaries" then maybe recommend a book/resource for that? (Like Boundaries by Henry Cloud?)

NTA - I would think about getting a book called Boundaries and read it and would probably give MIL a copy and tell her that she has to read it before she can come back over.

"Boundaries" - Henry Cloud

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Ors6EbZKSQKE9

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_2N36EbM3DT15A

You've set a very reasonable boundary. She is choosing not to respect it. With every boundary, there must be a consequence if it is not respected. This is not being mean, it is simply being a mature adult. You can kindly and calmly tell her that you'd love for her to hold her grandchild when this is over but that for now, you and your wife have made a decision and that if she cannot respect that, then you will have to wait to have her visit at all until it is safe. Again, this is NOT mean. Her reaction is her own problem. And if anyone else calls to tell you their opinion, just tell them that it is between you and her and that's how it's going to stay.

I've benefited a ton from this book on boundaries:

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=boundaries+cloud+townsend&qid=1592097688&sprefix=boundaries+cloud+&sr=8-1

I'm so sorry. You don't need to be living with her to have a relationship with her. It would probably be a better relationship not living with her when/if she chooses or work on her own problems.

This is the book I read back in the day to learn how to set boundaries and have happy, non-codependent relationships. Maybe give it a look.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_FoM-EbT3GE2Y8

Boundaries https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_DX7yEbWAF7ZQC

Keep up the good fight. Advocate for yourself and your health. It’s the right thing to do.

Also, I highly recommend this book to help you with the communication in your family and work relationships.

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_2FD8EbSBZ532G

VERY GLAD for you!!! I was very concerned for you when you mentioned you were going to tell your parents. In time you're going to learn about gray-rocking and putting people on an info diet.

Boundaries? Start with a serving hands copy of a book by the same name. Boundaries, by Dr Cloud & Dr Townsend. It was one of the first and biggest books that basically created the phrase "boundaries in relationships". Only bother with the original edition or the expanded. The sequels/add-ons weren't as helpful.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fab_Z-1BFbE6G4V2J

I’m sorry to hear about this. Might I recommend a great book that may help with your situation?

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud.

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

This book is for Christians, based on the Bible. I found it helpful because there are so many people who try to guilt you into doing things and this gives your good defenses.

I think you need to be really clear with your fiancee that once you are married the two of you will have a joint budget and that you are unwilling to put your new family in a bad financial situation to throw money at her father. Or ... the two of you need to decide on a budget that you will give to her father and that is it.

If she is unable or unwilling to set boundaries with her father or other family members, know that this will be an ongoing and escalating issue throughout your marriage. I'd suggest she read Boundaries.

Yes! Amazon.

I recommended it so someone else recently and they pointed out that it has a lot of religious references in it. I completely forgot! If that doesn't bother you you can find the book here and the workbook here.

I'm not religious but am in an AlAnon program, so I replace "god" with "higher power" and it works for me.

> I just don't want to issue an ultimatum because I think it would be more detrimental. But I don't know what else to do!!!!! Help please!!!

I recommend you seek the support of a therapist. Specifically:

1. Ideally, your wife and daughter would start having sessions with a therapist who specializes in hoarding disorder. Unfortunately, hoarder tends to "lack insight", so they honestly don't believe that they have a problem. Your ability to deal with this situation is going to be limited by your wife and daughter's willingness to deal with it.
2. Rather than telling your wife she has a problem and needs help, ask your wife if she's willing to go to couple's therapy to discuss better ways to communicate. In therapy you can bring up the hoarding issues after a few sessions when everyone's comfortable; if you do that, be sure to bring photo/video evidence.
3. If your wife refuses to go to couple's therapy, seek support for yourself via a therapist who understands hoarding issues. A therapist like that can help you work on establishing boundaries and coming up with a plan to deal with the situation.

If therapy just isn't an option, we have some books listed in our Wiki that can help you:

• Digging Out: Helping Your Loved One Manage Clutter, Hoarding, and Compulsive Acquiring by Michael A. Tompkins. This is an excellent book, written specifically for the spouse, family, and/or loved ones on how to deal with the hoarder in your life who won't accept that he's a hoarder. . This book gives you a plan for communicating with your hoarder, identifying issues, working on your relationship with your hoarder, and in general coaxing your hoarder to a healthier way of doing things. It advocates a harm reduction approach, in order to get the hoarder to cooperate.
• Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Dr.s Cloud & Townsend. Firm, consistent boundaries are the most important tool in your toolbox. Some people who live with their hoarders have had success by requiring common rooms and shared spaces to be clean and clear, while at the same time allowing the hoarder one room of their own to keep as they see fit (minus filth and vermin, of course). You'll have to be consistent and diligent daily to defend the clean spaces, but it can be done.

Forgiveness is for your peace and to set yourself free from what they have done. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone what they have done it’s to let it go. Once you have the peace the boundaries are to keep the peace for yourself. There is this book called, Boundaries - Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_s9poEb41F7MRX

I found it very helpful because with pwBPD boundaries are often compromised due to the codependent enmeshed relationship dynamics that can accompany relationships with BPD. You gotta get boundaires to know yourself again.

Also, I am Christian and believe in forgiveness there is also a book that is just about forgiveness called Radical Forgiveness if you aren’t sure how to really forgive to get the peace. Radical Forgiveness: A Revolutionary Five-Stage Process to Heal Relationships, Let Go of Anger and Blame, and Find Peace in Any Situation https://www.amazon.com/dp/1591797640/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_uaqoEbB2JC83X

This is what helped me based on therapy and self-help books and 12 step meeting for codependents anonymous. I hope it helps.

For you and for your children.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0141986301/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Qw5rFb5SHCNB9

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0141988517/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Dx5rFb91E0T17

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_hy5rFbJRY2V8G

She can't force you to stay in a motel. What is she doing to make you do that?

I recommend a few books for your situation:

Boundaries, How to Say No

Nice Card, Mean Card

No More Mr. Nice Guy (Note, for "nice" guys, if you know what I mean.)

You know how you get to her to understand no? . Start saying no, meaning no, and sticking with No. You say "No." Repeat this word "No." And just refuse.

You can't negotiate with her anymore, she's kinda crazy. You have also repeatedly proven to her that she gets her way.

I suspect you've never told her that her pushiness is a huge turn off for you. You better start telling her how you actually feel, and I suspect you're operating from a huge place of fear.

If you want books about how to argue well, I'd recommend:

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Apology Languages/ When Sorry Isn't Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage

Boundaries in Marriage

Love Languages is to learn how to express and receive affection effectively. Apology Languages is to learn how to apologize and communicate effectively. Boundaries (the whole series) is to learn how to create a healthy environment for both people. Lasting Promise is to learn how to fight well.

I was also personally inspired by Lasting Love: How to Avoid Marital Failure, which talks about the biblical foundation for marriage.