Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love

In attachment theory, this is called "anxious attachment style"...

Honestly I’d start by reading this book...

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=nodl_

This might help you make sense of things https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

Tldr if you are in the habit of holding yourself at a distance from others since you were a little kid, of course love is terrifying, especially the first time out.

If it's happening in every relationship, it's probably the people you're picking for a relationship. Do you find yourself as the pursuer from the beginning? Or are they pursuing you and then stopping?

6 months in, and you're already discovering a fundamental incompatibility for a long term monogamous relationship; this is not the one to settle down with. There is lots down the road in life that will further lower the desire of someone who doesn't want sex all that much when you're just having fun dating.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love might be a good book for you

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/

I'm going to suggest you take a weekend and read this

Oh yeah :) I'm with the general consensus of 2 weeks being agreeable. I'm interested in the list of books you mentioned, and any others that bubble up. I recently purchased NMMNG and have read most of it, with the other common books on my wish list.

A book suggestion from my wish list I haven't seen yet (at least from the time I posted my earlier comment) is Attached by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller M.A.

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

This book can help with how anxiety manifests in relationships. I read it when the pandemic started because I already knew I had an anxious attachment style and me and my boo were going through a communication transition with our drastic schedule changes.

I also found a class on Buddhism and Psychology that I think Princeton has (had?) up for free that really helped with staying mindful and having conversation with my anxiety.

This is also after LOTS of therapy. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything but I knew that if I wanted this relationship to last I needed to get myself together so I didn’t self sabotage.

Meditation can also help, but that’s a level you have to get to where you have the tools to talk yourself through your anxiety attacks.

I’m tired AF of emotionally unavailable men having THE AUDACITY to label their partner as being too needy, clingy, demanding.

When your needs are being met by an emotionally secure adult, most of that anxious attachment shit goes away.

Statistically, it’s probably not you

I have experience transitioning to a secure attachment style and can speak to this. I’ve only very recently connected the dots between being a RBB and my past inability to securely connect in a genuine, loving relationship. Everything makes sense now, but I didn’t understand my tendencies for the longest time.

My history is being anxious-avoidant in relationships. Either very insecure and afraid I’m not hearing from them enough or they’re not interested enough in me, or shutting down emotionally and distancing myself if I feel they’re getting too close and needing me too much. This makes sense when you consider I was raised with a uBPD mom who was completely enmeshed with me but who also raged unpredictably and frequently made me question my value to her and the security of our relationship.

At 35 I’m in the first securely attached relationship of my life. I wish I could say I have the magic key to making it happen but for me it was just a mixture of timing, going through enough bad experiences with poor matches that I finally saw the need for change, plus a lot of work in therapy and meeting the right person. My partner is a very stable, secure man in his own life and his even keeled behavior over the last several months has helped to slowly train me that I can depend on him and that everything is okay. He’s proving to me all the time that he’s going to stick around and that his moods are consistent, that I don’t have to worry about everything and catastrophize, and so I don’t. It’s difficult to describe how this feels. Especially after the way I was raised, it’s like a balm for my soul. I feel safe and warm just thinking of him. I don’t have to be talking to him or seeing him constantly to feel that warmth and know it’s there. I wish for every one of my fellow RBBs this kind of love.

I read a great book about attachment styles last year, it helped me a lot: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

Very good luck to you! I’m sure you’ll find your way to where you want to be 💛

Anyone who is interested in attachment styles should read Attached. After I was dumped by who I think was an avoidant, maybe even anxious in some ways, I read this and it really gave me some great perspective. Our styles just clash. Highly recommended read whether you are or aren’t in a relationship!

Read Attached. It's an extremely simple read, and helped me to understand how my abandonment issues manifested.

Attachment theory is actually field in psychology that has been actively studied for the last century. The linked book is by an MD and MA that DOES have a bibliography, if you’d care to take a look instead of making obtuse remarks on topics on which you’re clearly not qualified to make judgments.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ghYeFbKGT2XSC

Read this! https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=nodl_

It really helps put into perspective how your mind copes with relationships. Part of getting over a toxic or unbeneficial relationship is understanding why the hell there’s such a pull to get back into it. Read this, take this time to work on yourself, meditate, and I can’t recommend journaling enough. Journaling is really like having your own damn therapist. You get to be completely and utterly honest with yourself with the added benefit of getting out those horrible negative reoccurring thoughts that seem to persist. Good luck and just know that time heals all and that you’ll grow from this experience and come out wiser and more better prepared for a much healthier more meaningful AND fulfilling relationship in all aspects, not just kink 👍🏽

>It's basis in childhood is pretty roundly discredited, so applying it to adult relationships strikes me as a even less applicable.

I’ve never heard that, do you have any sources? I would be curious to learn about it. But I think most psychological theories will always have critics who disagree. That’s why phycology is always evolving.

You know my sister has a PhD in psychology and is a psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and attachment style. Over the holidays we had a pretty long conversation about attachment style and she didn’t say anything about it being discredited. In fact she still uses it with her patients all the time. I’ll text her and ask if this is correct.

>I try to judge partners by their actions.

Analyzing a persons actions and listening to what they say is exactly how you determine their attachment style. Usually I can figure it out after just a short amount of time by asking several specific questions. But actions do speak louder than words so after knowing someone for a while their actions will also tell you what attachment style they have. For me personally I prefer to not date women with an avoidant style because I am slightly anxious and every relationship I’ve had with an avoidant has been an emotional rollercoaster.

IMO all relationships are a balance between closeness and autonomy. And every person has a different expectation of how close or distant they feel comfortable with being from their partner. If I let my guard down and bring someone into my life I prefer to be pretty close to them. If they prefer to be really distant I don’t think I’ll be compatible with them so it’s better to end things before it gets too serious.

I would highly recommend this book if your interested in learning more about it. As far as I know it’s still considered an important part of the literature:

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

Don’t give up hope! You have acknowledged your attachment type and want to make changes. It will take a lot of work, but you are still young and IMO may not be fully locked into this attachment type.

I am currently in a somewhat on/off 16 month relationship (her 40) with a strong DA type. I am on the secure end of things and it threw me hard, but I can see the good in her. I have always been in tune with the idea that hurt people hurt other people, especially the ones they love or care for.

Everyone deserves love, you have taken the hardest step forward and acknowledged this, work on you first before trying a relationship.

Also check out the book Attached . I’ve started to see all the patterns of the DA type and helped her through my actions and I am seeing progress. Don’t fall for the reddit confirmation bias that all DA types are shit and will only make your life hell.

Best of luck!

You sound like someone with anxious attachment. You’ll be drawn to and a magnet for avoidant people. But you can learn how to recognize it and seek something else.

It’s hard to put down the excitement of an activated attachment system, but worth it. I don’t think you can be happy long term unless you do.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_UoO3EbMHCH6B5

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Bpf4EbFHHB9H4

Read the book "Attached" by Amir Levine. It will not make your experience less hurtful but it helps clear out some points and deal with it in a more secure way.

There's a book you need to read called Attached.

It very clearly explains what's going on with you and your BF and how you can take action to mollify your BF's clingy behavior.

Even if you two don't work out, this is really good information for relationships throughout your life.

Have you heard of the book, Attached? I think this would help you if you haven't read it. It address different attachment styles (anxious, avoidant and stable/neutral) so you can figure out why you may be a certain one, and how to recognize those attachment styles in others. There's a whole pattern it delves into about anxious types being drawn to avoidant types and how you can extricate yourself from that trend if you're caught up in a bad cycle.

It points out some really interesting things. Like for instance, you may feel that you're constantly dating avoidant types because they're over-represented in the dating pool. They are the ones that tend to be single most often because they quickly go through romantic partners or prefer to be single. Anxious people tend to mistake the uncertainty and nervousness someone induces for butterflies and passion.

Essentially, the book helps you recognize avoidant types more easily and really early on so you can avoid the emotional turmoil of becoming attached to someone like that if you are an anxiously attached person.

Attachment Theory is actually something that's been researched and taught in psychology for many years now. John Bowlby wrote many books on it.

Briana MacWilliam and Thais Gibson are two of my favorite therapists who actually upload videos on the very topic in youtube. The topics can get incredibly deep and sometimes overwhelmingly confusing but it's great stuff to learn if you put the time to learn it. There's also books on the topic too.

I highly suggest you to read this book it's a great introduction for the adult attachment theory side.

Check out adult attachment theory. Sometimes it’s just how our bodies are conditioned to relate to certain prospective partners, based on how we attached ourselves to caregivers in infancy and early childhood. It’s a survival mechanism. You may be a perfectly fine partner for her, and she could be in love with you, but she might just be - say - conditioned to have that tingly feeling inside (a “crush”) for a particular type of man. I wouldn’t take it personally, if her feelings for you are genuine. Of course, I’m not saying that that’s what it is, but it’s worth reading up on.

This particular book right here solved most of my marriage’s problems: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

This one?

Check out this book - it is incredibly insightful.

You lead with your heart. That’s not a bad characteristic.

I strongly recommend that you read a book called “Attached”. It’s about our various attachments styles...the people that do - and don’t - make good partners for us.

I have my guess about her “style” and yours, but I’ll leave that for you to learn about.

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=attached+book&qid=1597107952&sprefix=attached&sr=8-3

It is good to have that realization, but honestly what people do to others, they will do to you. Do you want him to say that about you, when/if someone else comes along?

I would really encourage you to talk to someone or really explore your "insane jealousy", as I suspect it is a feeling covering up something else. Because you are going to end up hurt in this situation, because there is a very small chance, he is going to change his life for you.

One book or resource that you might find useful is the book Attached. I found it very eye opening for myself.

I feel you 100% ... why can’t ppl just have common decency to say “I’ve found someone else” to another person....

I’m reading a WONDERFUL book ATM that actually explains why we are running into so many of these ppl in the dating pool. Highly recommend:

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_45SiFbXMWVKZN

First, congrats on doing some research and discovering some things about yourself to help you move closer to your best self.

Now, to answer your questions. I think simply telling him that he's an avoidant attachment type is unlike to result in what you are hoping. I think your best bet is to bring up that you read the book/some documents which helped reveal a lot of things about yourself that you didn't previously understand. And the result of that is you feel better connected to who you are and why you do certain things. Then suggest he give it a read to help him understand himself better. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't, but at least you've done your best to expose him to the information. Beyond that is outside of your realm of control.

It's highly likely that this relationship won't work out. But that's not definitive at all. I feel that your best way to gauge what to do next should come from his reaction/response to the information about attachment style and the conversation + subsequent actions taken after the dialogue. Because then you aren't giving him any ultimatum, or giving him any power over you or the relationship. If anything, you are defining what kind of treatment it is that you will accept from your partner. And if he can't live up to that, it's fine. But you are unwilling to remain in a relationship where the effort and interest in personal betterment is lopsided. Therefore you choose to let yourself be free of someone who is not at your level of commitment in personal betterment.

I wish you all the luck OP. And whatever happens, my hope for you is you end up with someone who is as committed to you and your relationship as you appear to be from what I've read here.

Hello friend, you have an anxious attachment style like myself. It’s a biological issue, that can be triggered to send you into overdrive with relationships.

Almost done reading an AMAZING book that helped me understand why I’m different than others and why others tend to NOT act as anxious about others the way I do.

Attached: The New Science of... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

This is an interesting read if you’re interested in learning more about what makes us this Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Pxm.EbYDRJABQ

Call her daddy doesn’t have healthy true advice for that kind of thing.

I recommend reading “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love” https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_EWfUEbCQ0ZSQM

you sound like an anxious attacher. It’s really good and helped me in relationships.

I think U Up? and Girls Gotta Eat are way better for healthy relationship advice. CHD is funny and whatever but please don’t take any of their advice unless you want a toxic immature relationship.

Have you ever heard of attachment theory? I found it to be incredibly helpful for me. This book really helped me learn about myself. I have an anxious attachment style, and it's why I feel the need to cling onto my significant other. It might be helpful for you to learn what your attachment style is as well as your partner's, and maybe learn more about some of the patterns within your relationship.

I worked a lot with my therapist as I was ending my last relationship. Outside of that, the book Attached helped me immensely. Between the two I learned how to express my needs and reframe a lot of my thinking in relationships. Other than that, it was just meeting someone who I clicked with that wanted similar things.

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

This book was life-changing https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_apa_i_cCWUEbFP9K5PF

Yeah I feel you haha. All of my relationships were like that too until I started learning about attachment and recognizing the patterns.

It’s not just you because every relationship, even dysfunctional ones, take two people. It’s just how you two relate to each other. Also it’s not your fault. It’s just how you learned about love as a child.

If you’re up for it, this book really helped me get the ball rolling. It literally felt like I was reading a book about my life haha. Maybe it can’t help you too. https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

It's pretty classic "avoidant" behavior. It's a very well understood mechanic at this point. I have had to go to therapy in order to work through my own avoidant-attachment impulses. I feel like OLD is the primary playground for avoidant types.

This book does a pretty good job of breaking it down.

I think this must be it - Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment - author Amir Levine https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139

My suggestion is don’t think if this as a texting issue but instead focus upon your own reaction and how he can reassure you. I will recommend to anyone who will listen, please read the book Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It explains that there are three basic attachment styles. The dynamic you describe seems to me to be about likely having a a slightly anxious attachment style (no criticism, I identify because I do too and I suffer the same sort of anxiety though I am the older man and my girlfriend is early 20s). If I am correct, once you understand you wool be able to focus on soothing your anxieties in cooperation. I also recommend Hold me tight by Sue Johnson.

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/031611300X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_zdGFFbV7ABE95

You should read this: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_35tEFb15X83MW

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

Attached: the new science of adult relationships

Oh ye of little faith....

I’m an artist :) if you want to get started with something, I highly recommend searching for grants for small businesses! There are usually quite a few available. When I got started I also kept a casual job to cover my bills and slowly reduced my hours as my business became busier.

Here’s a link to the book. Or you can search “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Wishing you all the best! ❤️❤️❤️

Depends on your attachment style. We all have different ones, and depending on which category you fall in, will determine whether or not you’ll be able to more or less keep feelings out of it. You can take the test here. It’s not 100% accurate, but there’s been solid research done on this, which you can read up on in a book called “Attached” by Levin & Heller (both md’s).

For me, I have an avoidant-dismissive attachment trait, so I’m more inclined to fuck em’ and leave em’. Which I did a lot before I met my husband. In fact, he was suppose to be a one night stand, but he was pretty persistent about taking me on a date.

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 this is the book I read.

I wanted to chime in that it sounds like Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style as others have said. I went through many different friendships since childhood where I’d also slowly ghost. It really helped me to learn more about attachment styles and go through therapy. I’m a therapist now and find that this is the kind of interpersonal work that most people want and benefit from. It’s a complex dynamic that can feel mysterious until we examine it more and realize there are certain people we’re willing to allow into our lives despite the ups and downs/valuing and devaluing. Being close with someone who has a secure attachment style can also help because they model that kind of acceptance and friendship that we’re striving for. There will still be moments of annoyance and wanting space from friends, but it can change from forever cutting people out to a break and coming back together again. Here’s a great book for this, too:

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=nodl_

read the book attached by amir levine & rachel heller :

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

Not really a book rec but I’d check out researching attachment styles to learn about why you might struggle with being alone. It gives quite a bit of insight and can help you nurture your own style.

“Attached” by A Lavine and R Heller is awesome. Amazon

“The Attachment Effect” by Peter Lovenheim is really good too! Link

I also recommend Aziz's book (and I'm also engaged because my partner took advice from the book and suggested an exact day and specific time when asking me out for the first time).

I think the focus on values and finding a partner who can meet your needs (the right and the top priority needs) is so important (a point made by Attached). I think one problem is that too many people are attracted to partners that validate them in superficial ways, but leaving significant core needs unmet. Mark Manson has a book, Models: Attract Women Though Honesty, that I don't love, but it's the best I've found yet for younger men with difficulties dating. He talks about "polarizing" women, whereby one sorts women into those who are interested and those who aren't and I find myself recommending such an approach using one's values. So I suggest that men and women alike lead with the the things that the things (maybe even put them front in center on their dating profiles) that are most important to them, the things they fear will push partners away, and who they're looking for by the lights of notions of their long-term fulfillment.

I'm having a hard time figuring out where to begin, so apologies if this is all over the place.

First, the idea that our options shrink to nothingness when we're whatever age is a byproduct of the same patriarchal garbage societal attitudes that also bring us the entire "scarcity mindset" surrounding men, dating, etc. This served to convince women that marrying young (or marrying, period) is a good idea, and men need us to think that because they need us more than we need them.

No, our options do not significantly diminish with age, unless we're talking like really really old age in which we've outlived most of the men. That is not the case at our age. There is no argument for settling. As someone who once married someone I wasn't that excited about, trust me, single is better than that. Like, miles and miles better.

OK next, you are not the first or the last person to struggle with anxious attachment style or abandonment issues. I have done every single thing you described here at some point in my life, and worse. I have stories for days of all the weird shit being anxious and terrified of abandonment have made me think were a good idea. I don't do that stuff anymore, though, because I found a good therapist, and worked on it. You're, like, right there with this. You know what's going on. You have enough self-awareness to know it's not good. So therapy would probably be really effective for you at this point in time.

If therapy isn't an option right now, then even just reading books on the subject can help. I've found sometimes self-help books help me to even think of things I should bring up with my therapist that I didn't think of on my own, or even just reframe things in a way that makes them easier for me to process on my own. There's one book I see recommended often, which is called Attached. That could be a place to start.

The book "Attached" made a huge difference in my dating life (for the better!)

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

Attached. Huge eye opener. I recommend this and The Five Love Languages to everyone who is in a relationship or wants to be in one. Please give it a read. It can help you not only understand yourself better, but also help you as you re-enter the dating scene. It’s a heavily researched book on attachment theory.

Learning my attachment style (anxious) has been invaluable. Learning my partner’s (secure-avoidant) has been helpful. Thanks to that book I was able to communicate my needs more effectively and also better understand and respect her needs.

The Five Love Languages gave me a better conception of what love looks like to my partner (quality time, acts of service) and myself (words of affirmation, quality time, physical affection). I ended up sitting down and brainstorming ways to speak her language, and I expressed to her what would mean a lot to me.

Also, didn’t look at the book the other guy linked, but just be aware, he’s a MGTOW refugee. I would take his suggestions with a grain of salt.